Opposites Attract or Bad Boyfriend?

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My sister and I are very close. We are 29 year old identical twins and have always lived together or close by and have even run a business together.

She has been dating someone for over four years who is completely wrong for her. Everyone who loves her makes the same observation but we are mostly all too polite to let our feelings known to her.

It's not as though he is mean or hurtful, in fact he is a good boyfriend in many ways. But he lacks any intelligence or opinion, things that have always been important to my sister and still appear to be in all other facets of her life.

I acknowledged my doubts to her (stupidly, in argument) about three years ago and it just ended in an even bigger argument that got us nowhere. But since that time I have held my tongue and maintained regular contact with them both even though it drives me quietly insane. This has kept the peace but it also concerns me that I am not being true to myself or her by putting on a brave or fake persona when all I want to do is be honest with her and TALK and listen to what she has to say about it.

I am petrified that they are going to get engaged one day, I have regular nightmares about it because I honestly don't think I am going to be able to feign happiness for her if that happens, or be involved in the wedding.

I am constantly baffled that she can claim to want to be surrounded by intelligent people and then go home to a guy who is quite simply put, stupid. He's not stupid in a foolish or arrogant way but he makes no effort with her friends or family and seems happiest when he can sit in bored silence. In some ways I feel sorry for him because he is often surrounded by people who have a wide range of knowledge and opinions that don't seem to interest him. It all just baffles me so much that most of the time I'm in their company I want to scream.

My question is - should I say something? ~ Troubled Twin

Sounds like your sister’s more interested in what’s below the belt than what’s above the neckline. Maybe she needs a break from brains once in a while. Just be happy for her. ~ Gina

When I read your question, I think you know what you want and need to do, you're just not sure of how to do it. It's really scary to risk a close relationship and speak up about something so huge as what may indeed become a life partnership for your sister. So it's all the more important to make certain that your intentions are clear and that you speak from your heart. Words are very powerful and you will need to keep in mind that even if your intentions are clear and pure, the consequences of what your say may not be what you intend. Are you prepared to be "right" and impact your relationship? Can you say your piece and then in all honesty say, "but you do what you want and I'll love you and stand by you, whatever you do"? You need to walk yourself through the plan in all of its branches, sit with the possibilities and be ready. Gina may just be right. ~ Alisa

It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to

My birthday came and went and my very dear and best friend ignored it. We are both in our mid 50's so perhaps she doesn't think it's important anymore. The thing is, I am very lonely and sensitive and she knows this. A month ago she told me that she does not acknowledge friends birthdays anymore; except for mine. We were co-workers for awhile (that’s how we met), but I got laid off. I don't understand why she would want to hurt me, especially at a time when I am having a tough time. We still talk on the phone and she still seems caring and supportive. However, anytime I mention meeting for lunch, etc. she always has an excuse. I don't have many people in my life anymore so I was looking forward to celebrating my birthday with her. Should I let it go? Should I say something? Am I making a big deal out of a meaningless birthday? ~ Still the birthday girl

Sometimes what's important to us doesn't seem to land with our friends. We feel our needs aren't met or can't be met by anyone. We have several choices. We can allow those reactions to make us feel more and more isolated in our anger and our pain or we can take stock and see what's going on. We can become curious about why the particular need is so important (celebrating our birthday) or if what's important is having a connection that's supportive and vibrant, and if it's the latter, we can turn our attentions in that direction and ask the question of ourself and our friend. What can we do that will build a true felt sense of connection? It's just possible that by holding onto a fixed idea of what "friendship" means you are cutting yourself off from what you really need. So yes, I think you should talk to your friend about why she doesn't find time for you, but do so only after you're certain that celebrating your birthday (or whatever else it is) is what you truly want. ~Alisa

Growing Up is Hard to Do

Dear Gina and Alisa,

My older daughter (26 today) has not talked with her dad face-to-face for almost a year. They have become estranged after he began to direct his anger and criticism towards her starting when he went through a divorce from his second wife. My daughter called off her engagement last summer, and her younger sister completed her bachelor's degree, which my older daughter has not yet completed. Much of his very loud verbal conflict with her was over her "failures" in her relationship(?!) and as a student. He did criminal background checks of men she dated following her break-up and even called her a "slut". He works for the court system and so has some "inside tracks" but looked up the wrong person. She has tried several times to engage him in some constructive "meeting of the minds", but the way he has spoken to her in letters, on the phone and in text messages has been abusive - he has said things no father should ever say to a daughter. He read a letter to me that he wrote to her thinking I would be supportive but I was stunned and told him so. He did not seem to realize how inappropriate he was, and was surprised by my reaction.

He did not acknowledge her birthday today. He has a strong need to be in conflict with someone, has "cast out" several family members and close friends after various conflicts or disagreements, has a strong family history of bipolar disorder, and smokes marijuana heavily on a daily basis. My daughter has always had a strong need for his approval, and she has been struggling with all this but has strong ties with family and friends, as well as a new BF who is very kind. She is depressed but pretty resilient.

He is no longer speaking to me because I signed over her partially used trust for college to her before it expired last December (a few thousand dollars) He believes my daughter and I "conspired" to steal "thousands of dollars" from him, even though I called him before I signed it over and we had similar concerns that I shared with my daughter before I signed it over. It never occurred to me that this was his or my money to take back. Worst of all, he is now openly favoring our younger daughter and creating divisiveness and conflict between them. My urge is to protect them both from him, but I can't. She can't afford counseling right now because she doesn't have health insurance. What is the best way to help her? Thank you for your suggestions. ~ Mom Forever

Stop talking with your ex-husband. Don’t read his letters to his daughters. It’s time to remove yourself from the relationship, and tell your daughter to detach with love. ~Gina

I don’t think we ever grow out of wanting to protect our children, and of course there will always be people and situations that we can’t prevent them from having to experience. From what you say your daughter’s father has a history of medical/psychological issues. Difficult as it may be, he can’t really be expected to behave as a healthy adult might. Perhaps it might be useful to consult with your own medical practitioner to learn more clearly what behavior is reasonable/typical to expect from someone with his condition? This might serve as a springboard for you to determine how much contact and what kind of contact you decide to have with him in the future and it will be a good place to start a conversation with your daughter. It takes two to have a relationship and if as Gina says you model how to not engage that may just be the best parenting possible. ~Alisa

All in the Family

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Two years ago I received an urgent babysitting request from my son. My daughter-in-law had been hospitalized because of an eye disorder and I drove my grandson to school for five months until she could see out of that eye.

The eye incident occurred at the time her parents moved five states away for no real reason. She and her two sisters in NJ were very upset about the move. Around that time, I heard the term "MS" used by my son and his wife once.

Every few months, I babysit so that my son and daughter-in-law can attend her regularly scheduled visit with a neurologist. Then I recently saw at their house a prescription for a medication that I know is related to MS. Then it disappeared.

We don’t talk about these details at all and the difficulty stems from the fact that I am of a different race and religion from my daughter-in-law and she and my son (now in the same religion as his wife) prefer to confide in her family and not in me. I understand that adherents to their fundamentalist religion do not speak their troubles out loud.

So here's my question: can I ask her if she has MS and how she is progressing, and if she would consider an alternative treatment I researched for a friend with MS? Or do I ask my son about whether I can talk to her?

How do I deal here? – Concerned Mother-in-Law

It sounds like you are very close to your grandchildren, your son and your daughter-in-law despite what sounds like a very large difference in beliefs. You are trying to figure out what to say and do based on limited information. I think you need to speak up and you need to be clear about what you’re speaking up about. Is it just about the alternative therapy? Or would you like to ask a larger question, which is: what can we talk about? Or, how can I show that I care? I suggest you write down a list of all of your questions and then pick the top two or three. Address these questions to both of them together. See what kind of conversation you can begin to have. ~ Alisa

You can ask anything you want. They certainly ask things of you. You may not get the answer you want, or any answer at all. You may be considered helpful and caring. Or you may be perceived as prying. There’s no telling what the reaction will be – but I think you already know that. So start off by saying, “I’d like to ask you a few things, and if they’re none of my business tell me, and my feelings won’t be hurt.” And make sure you mean it. ~ Gina

College-gen

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My daughter was recently interviewed for admission to a college she really wants to attend. At the interview, the woman who was asking the questions (she’s an alum of this college) made stereotypical comments putting down women -– implying they have fixed roles, are the weaker sex. (This was especially odd to me because this college used to be an all-women’s school.) These comments offended my daughter and made her uncomfortable, but she didn’t want to endanger her chances by letting the interviewer know this. She became verbally withdrawn while talking to this woman and now is worried that she won’t get into this school because the interview did not go well. Should I call the college and let them know what happened, or let it slide? ~ Concerned Mom

I think this is a great opportunity for your daughter to speak up. She should consult with the college or guidance counselor at her high school and explain what went on. The admissions department of the college might not be aware of exactly what is happening at interviews conducted by this woman. Let the guidance counselor provide some guidance. Even if there’s nothing to be done, I think it’s a chance to get the point of view from someone who is more in the business. ~ Alisa

I agree with Alisa about consulting the guidance counselor. And I also think this is a great time for some motherly advice. Tell your daughter that throughout her life she will run into people who have the power to affect her future, but who are also, let’s say, not really qualified to do so. No matter what the outcome is in this situation, let your daughter know that she should be herself at every interview. Go into them with enthusiasm and excitement, and let the chips fall where they may. ~ Gina

Ask to Win! A Great Prize for Our Readers.

How can you win a wonderful gift from “Should I Say Something?” You just have to ask. Questions that is. Over the next two weeks in addition to answering questions we’ll also be rewarding one of you (chosen at random) with a gift basket from Clean Ridge Soap Company. (Makes of all-natural beautifully scented handmade soaps, soy candles and more.)

How to enter: Think about a pressing issue in your life. Something you need to say, or wish you hadn’t. Do you have an unresolved conflict? A truce that needs to be revisited? A story you need to share? A boss, friend, parent, child, colleague, instructor, with whom you need to address something – but just can’t find the words? Tell us about it. Send an e-mail to heresmyquestion@gmail.com. In addition to providing you with a thoughtful, and hopefully helpful answer, we’ll enter you in our raffle for the gift basket. And keep in mind, the more questions you submit, the better your chances of winning. Hurry, this opportunity ends (date). Go to heresmyquestion@gmail.com now!

Working Stiff

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Many of the people where are work tend to come in late, waste time, and don’t really get started until late in the day, then work until late at night. I come in on time, and would like to leave at 5. Many of them are single, but I have a family and want to get home to them. The only thing is, it’s hard to leave at 5 when everyone else is staying until 7 or 8 or later. Every so often in a meeting someone will refer to the fact that I leave on time (which they refer to as “early.”) I’m starting to worry about my job – but I get my job done, and even work through my lunch hour most of the time. What’s wrong with working regular hours? It seems like for some people their job is their social life, but it’s not for me. How can I still go home at a decent hour and not risk my job? ~ 9 to 5-er

You are such a goody-two-shoes, working a full day, getting your job done, and then leaving on time to get home to your family. Where are your values? ~ Gina

People talk about peer pressure in middle school but it really never ends. Here’s a time to speak up for yourself. Make it clear to everyone what time you arrive at work. Have a conversation with your boss about expectations. Once those two items are in order, you may feel more at ease with your choices. ~ Alisa