Working Stiff

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Many of the people where are work tend to come in late, waste time, and don’t really get started until late in the day, then work until late at night. I come in on time, and would like to leave at 5. Many of them are single, but I have a family and want to get home to them. The only thing is, it’s hard to leave at 5 when everyone else is staying until 7 or 8 or later. Every so often in a meeting someone will refer to the fact that I leave on time (which they refer to as “early.”) I’m starting to worry about my job – but I get my job done, and even work through my lunch hour most of the time. What’s wrong with working regular hours? It seems like for some people their job is their social life, but it’s not for me. How can I still go home at a decent hour and not risk my job? ~ 9 to 5-er

You are such a goody-two-shoes, working a full day, getting your job done, and then leaving on time to get home to your family. Where are your values? ~ Gina

People talk about peer pressure in middle school but it really never ends. Here’s a time to speak up for yourself. Make it clear to everyone what time you arrive at work. Have a conversation with your boss about expectations. Once those two items are in order, you may feel more at ease with your choices. ~ Alisa

Fishing for Compliments

Dear Alisa and Gina,

With the pervasive power of social networking tools I am connected with lots of people I haven’t actually worked with in some time. This is great but it also has some challenges."

I just received a request to write a recommendation for someone I worked with 20 years ago. I'm not in the same field and I haven't been for a long time, so I feel like I can't comment on anything like her current work or business. Should I reply and tell her what's holding me back? Should I ignore this request? I'm really at a loss. ~ Not a big fan

I think you should tell your colleague what your concerns are. What online requests have done is make everything less personal. More than likely the request to you went to dozens of people at one time. By reaching out with a personal touch, you have the potential to help your friend even more. ~Alisa

Send her this: “Can you believe it’s been 20 years since we worked together? Now that I think of it, it would be better if you get someone who can write a more up-to-date recommendation – it would have more credibility.” ~ Gina

Minding Business

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My co-worker’s boss asked me for a review of her (my co-worker’s) job performance. Honestly, she’s not all that great and I could easily give her boss an earful. But for one thing, I have to work with her, and two, she has a family, and I would hate for her to lose her job because of me.

Should I tell the truth, or just try to be positive? – Walking the Line

Many of us have had to review others – or receive feedback. It’s usually uncomfortable. But it doesn’t have to be. My guess is that there may well be some space between the kind of comments that will make someone lose their job and being totally positive. I bet you can be thoughtful and considerate and come up with one or two suggestions for how your co-worker could function more productively and be better at her job. Focus on what could be better, not what she does “wrong.” ~ Alisa

If someone loses a job because you told the truth, it’s not because of you. Remember that. ~ GIna

Help Wanted

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I am looking for a job – and I am struggling about asking one friend in particular for an introduction to his company. Our relationship has largely been social and though we talk about work, there has never been any deep interest in what I do precisely and what I’m looking for. Now that I’ve been let go, I feel a greater sense of urgency. I’m a little annoyed he’s never offered, since he’s known about my situation practically the whole time I have. How do I ask for help – or should I even try? - Searching for a Situation

It’s hard when dear friends and family can’t read our minds and offer the help we dream of. But that’s sort of a fairy tale. I suggest that you get very specific about what you are looking for, do some research about who might be able to make an introduction for you, and then go talk with everyone you know. It’s unlikely that the first person will be able to make one introduction that will be perfect, but you may just be surprised at the number of interesting people you will meet. ~ Alisa

 I agree with Alisa. How about a simple e-mail that says, “Are there any openings for positions in your company that you think would be right for me. Or, can you suggest someone in your company, or elsewhere, to whom I can speak or send a résumé?” Simple, direct, and the worst thing he can say is no. But, I bet he’ll come up with a few suggestions anyway.~ Gina

Fly's the Limit

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Should you say something when your boss's fly is unzipped, or let him find  out for himself later, after he has greeted the whole office? This happens a couple times a week and it's embarrassing for everyone involved. Please help! ~ Fed Up Receptionist

I totally understand that this is a really uncomfortable situation. So this is what I'd suggest. You need to set up a time with your boss - when there isn't an audience. Let him know that this is a very frequent occurrence. He may be more embarrassed than you are; more than likely he'll be grateful. You might even make a joke and see if there's a code you can have to remind him. ~ Alisa

How awkward a moment the wardrobe malfunction causes. The wayward bra strap, the slipped slip, the gaping blouse, the unzipped fly. And how fervently we wish the offender/victim would only notice it him or herself so we wouldn't have to avert our eyes and try to save them from their own grooming errors. Alas, it is up to us to intervene - but how? A brief comment can work, preferably from another man. Or, if that's not possible, I like the low-voiced "Ahem" to get their attention, and gentle gesture - pointing at oneself to mimic what they need to do. 

 

But what I find so curious here is that you mention that it happens a couple of times a week. A couple of times a week?!? This isn't an incident, this is more frequent than a status meeting. So maybe this man is aware on some level that he leaves his fly unzipped. Or, he's so clueless that he's leaving a lot of things undone, and this is just one of the outward manifestations. Hmmm. Well, try Alisa's and/or my suggestions. Then, if the problem continues, write back and we’ll talk more. ~ Gina

Promotional Consideration

Dear Alisa and Gina,

A few weeks ago my supervisor mentioned to me that I was due for a promotion. I was glad she said something because I’ve been with the company for more than a year now. She said he would get back to me – but hasn’t yet. The economy is bad so I don’t want to rock the boat, but I don’t want to miss out on a raise/promotion because she forgot. What should I do, if anything. ~ Working Stiff

Put a tip jar on your desk. That should remind her. ~ Gina

Next conversation you have with your supervisor, find out what’s going on. You can just say you are curious about the last conversation you had. The key here is to engage in a conversation that allows for open exchange – can you bring up the topic without demands or recriminations? If not, then wait until you can. ~ Alisa

Nyetworking

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I attended a networking event last week. There was a large group there, and it started off with a specific exercise to promote networking and make sure that attendees maximized contact with others in the room. After some very clear instructions on how to use the time, the person next to me started a conversation instead of keeping to the agenda. Another woman joined us and next thing I knew person number one was giving us both the nitty gritty details of her entire résumé. I tried to steer the conversation to a third person who had joined in and even tried to include a fourth person in the group to broaden the discussion. Nothing worked. What should I have said to her – or done to get her to stay on topic? ~ Stymied

One of the basic tenets of networking is that we all attend in order to meet many people and share information about ourselves. When you encounter someone who hangs on to you, and prevents you from doing what you came to do, just smile and say, “well I planned to meet four new people today, so I’m going to mingle a bit.” ~ Alisa

When stuff like that happens, I usually just take a bathroom break. ~ Gina

Less is More

Dear Alisa and Gina,
I work in a small company where I manage a team of professionals who are all relatively experienced at what they do, with the exception of one person. We are all under a lot of stress and deadlines every day and we’re on the phone most of the time. We sit in a large room and we do ask each other questions and we need to work together on certain projects. Our newest member has a lot of potential but he talks a lot – and it’s often distracting. I need to speak with him about his habits and make sure he takes this as constructive feedback, he just needs to learn to fit in to the culture so that the overall productivity of the group is not hindered. What should I say? What should I not say?

The best time to bring someone new into the existing culture is right from the start. You are absolutely on target to speak up now; you don’t want him to develop any habits you might have to undo. In fact, you might want to set up a weekly de-brief with your new employee and have it be a conversation. Find out what he’s noticing. Try asking open ended questions that steer him to notice the kind of things you want him to pay attention to. If you feel he’s not getting how he needs to fit in you'll need to mention how important it is that everyone work well together. ~ Alisa

Who's he talking to? The listeners are part of the problem as well. (Unless he's talking to himself - and then you have a totally different problem.) I think you also need to talk to the people who are listening to him and offer them graceful ways to bow out of conversation when he gets too talkative. Though this is a gentle approach, and it may take him a while to change his ways, if he's not totally clueless he'll start to notice that his words are falling on deaf ears. ~ Gina

Working Weird

Dear Alisa and Gina,
I work with a man who has an odd sense of humor. At least four times a week when I run into him he says, “Thanks for coming in today!” He says this to my co-workers as well. After the 100th time the joke gets a little tired. How can I get him to stop without being rude? ~ Working Weary

Tell him you didn’t come in today. Say you sent your evil twin instead. Your psychotic evil twin who gets upset at the slightest confrontation. And who just got out of jail. ~ Gina

My take on this situation is that your boss may have a funny sense of humor and may also have some issues with how connects with others and with how he feels about being a boss. But he's trying and what he says is not mean. So give him a smile and say good morning. ~Alisa

And now, a message from your enemies.

Dear Alisa and Gina,
My sister has been getting anonymous critical emails through a Web site that offers this as a “service” to people who want to say something to others without direct confrontation. She doesn’t know how to respond. She’s hurt and I’m annoyed. I feel like people should be able to speak up about what’s bothering them and then be willing to have a conversation. What do you think? ~ Protective Sister
Wow – the anonymous nasty letter goes techno! I think she has three options. She can ignore the cowardly approach. Look at the criticism and see if there’s some room for improvement. Or she can stoop to the sender’s level and mail anonymous critical messages to everyone who she thinks might have sent them to her – and have her revenge. ~ Gina

I have one more idea besides the three Gina offers. I think that there's a chance for your sister to teach some very scared person how to take an adult approach. I suggest that your sister start talking to her co-workers. She can mention the fact she's received this anonymous criticism and she can actually talk about both the form and the content of the message. If she can do this without being bitter or angry - and demonstrate that she is interested in constructive feedback that comes in a human interaction, than she might be able to positively impact the entire work environment. ~ Alisa

Team Playgirl

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My boss has been a friend of mine for over 10 years, at our current company and at a prior one. We socialize as well as work together. I think he values my insights and point of view except on one issue. There are four other women who also report to my boss. Three of them are very professional and highly effective in their positions. One is just not competent. I tried to get my boss to hire someone else, but that didn’t work. Since her promotion, Lucy (let’s call her that) has started to wear extremely sexy clothes to work. Her blouses are quite revealing, her skirts are short, and her shoes all have spiky heels. Really she doesn’t dress properly for an office. The other women and I are offended by her style. Combine her wardrobe with her poor business skills and how well our boss thinks of her and you have to wonder if something else is going on. What bothers me the most is what’s happened to the productivity of the management team. What should I say and to whom should I say it? ~ Annoyed

If your focus is really on how the team is performing I think you have the obligation as a leader yourself to attempt to change things. Since you have a longstanding relationship with your boss you could start there. Let him know what’s going on with the morale. Let him know if there are stories you’ve heard. Try to focus on how it’s affected you personally. But consider this; will you be willing to accept that even if you speak up, the situation may not change at all?And then there’s also the possibility of speaking up to “Lucy” directly. Whatever you say I suggest you think about what your needs are, what bothers you the most (that she dresses that way, that your boss likes it, that she has a position she doesn’t deserve, that it reflects badly somehow on your own talents, etc.?). Once you’ve really sat with what your concerns are – at a level below the surface - you may be able to speak up in a way that is more helpful to both of you. ~ Alisa

I would just stare at her boobs. And tell her that she missed the auditions for “Girls Gone Wild.” ~ Gina

How Boor-ing

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I belong to an online business networking group. Recently an old co-worker contacted me through the network and invited me to get connected. I don’t have good memories of this person - he was kind of a jerk. However, that was years ago, and I don’t want to appear to be carrying a grudge by not accepting his invitation. Should I just accept? Or ignore him? ~ Bothered by the Boor

If you have to ask about it you probably don’t want to accept. Just ignore him. No one will know. ~ Gina

Our lives are very transparent thanks to the numerous social networking tools that can pool lists of potential previous colleagues, classmates or neighbors. But just because you’ve been contacted doesn’t mean you have to respond. Once you are clear within yourself about the connections you want to cultivate or renew, you can establish the boundaries you need.  As Robert Frost said, good fences make good neighbors. ~ Alisa

Good Job Hunting

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I’m in the process of looking for part-time employment. I sent a letter to a company I am impressed with. The president of the company called me and wanted to talk. She left a number to call her back which I did. She was not in so I left a voice mail message. She did not call back. I called again the next day and left another message. A week passed and I called one more time and left a message. I have not heard from her. My gut reaction is she isn’t that interested but then again, she did call me and say she wants to talk and perhaps it’s a case of persistence pays off. What do you think? - Mystified

It's such a job trying to get a job, isn't it? Who knows what's going on with her. Maybe she's been really busy. Maybe she's not interested. Maybe she admires your moxie - but doesn't actually have an opening for you. Maybe she believes in nepotism.  Maybe her voice mail ate her messages. I say write her a nice note, and check back every so often. But look elsewhere simultaneously - and maybe an even better job will come along. ~ Gina

I think we can easily get caught up in our story about what someone’s action or inaction means. But it’s important to remember that we don’t know. And that the story is our story, not theirs. So to your issue, I suggest that you try alternate channels – discover her email address, get to know the receptionist and call her every 3-5 days. If you’re interested in the place, don’t give up. ~ Alisa

 

 

 

Teacher's Pet Peeve

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I was teaching a seminar to about 50 teachers last week. During one of the lecture and discussion periods that I was leading, two of the participants went to the back of the room and had a private conversation. It wasn’t as private as they thought; the acoustics in the room let us all hear some of what they were saying. It was noticeable to the group and as they were in my line of sight, I was also a bit distracted. I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want to just let off steam. But now I think I should have said something. What do you think? ~ Steamed

Speaking from a place of frustration and anger often doesn’t have the desired effect. Taking time to consider the purpose of speaking up can be very useful for clarifying what you want to accomplish and for also weighing the effectiveness – and effect on your subject. After the seminar was over I think it would have been reasonable and helpful to let them know that their conversation was not quite so private and suggest that in the future, if they feel the need to talk during a lecture they should leave the room. They may not have realized that their actions would have been distracting in a large group. ~ Alisa

You know what’s the best part about this question? These are teachers! Teachers who probably reprimand kids every day for talking. Hmpf – talk about the pots calling the kettles black. I would have stopped the seminar and said, “Excuse me, would you like to share what you’re saying with the entire class. I’m sure we’d all be interested.” Then I would have made them stay afterward in detention. ~ Gina

The Firing Squad

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I may have to lay off several employees in the next month. I’ve been “trained” by HR on what I am required to say (and not say) for legal reasons, but I still feel very unprepared. And one of the people I have to lay off has been a colleague for over 10 years. How do I prepare myself for this? ~ The Grim Reaper

Informing employees that their jobs have ended is one of the most difficult personal and professional conversations to have. Often the official training is more focused on protecting the company from liability than on addressing the emotional impact of the event, on you and on the people with whom you have to share this news.

I have two thoughts:  In order to prepare for the conversation do some role playing. Practice saying the words so that their emotional impact on you has been lessened. Regardless of your practice the live event will be difficult. You will need to manage your own emotions and walk a delicate path between facts and feelings.

As to the colleague you’ve known for years, this situation must still be handled within the confines of your professional capacity. However, if you have a real personal relationship with this person, I would consider requesting that someone else be the person to convey the news. ~ Alisa

Whatever happened to pink slips? So colorful. So impersonal. So easily understood. The “Dear John” letters of the end of one’s employment. I say it’s time for a comeback. Forget the face-to-face meetings. Buy some pretty pink paper and start writing. ~ Gina

What's My Line?

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I seem to constantly grapple with friends overstepping bounds, asking for me to work for them for free under the guise of "help."  I wish I could say that it only exists with friends, but I do find myself in some sticky situations when people are referred to me by business colleagues and surprised that I won't give of my time to help them. With that long introduction, my question is "How do I delicately talk about my money and value without feeling heavy handed?" ~ Over-asked, Underpaid

Your question brings up many more questions from me,

Why do you need to be delicate when you talk about money?

Does it make you uncomfortable to say you’re trying to run a business?

What has your experience been with speaking up about fees?

Are you anticipating this response, or have you actually been called heavy handed?

Before you can speak up for yourself you need to be familiar with what drives your habits, so I’d suggest you start off dedicating some time to observe your reactions so have a clearer understanding of what holds you back from being direct and precise with potential clients and friends. ~ Alisa

When someone says, “Can you help me?” smile and say, “Can you afford me?” ~ Gina

Working it Out

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a friend who’s been out of work for several months. She used to have lots of ideas and energy but lately she’s been getting pretty down about her lack of income. I’ve been really supportive but I’m running out things to say to her. And sometimes I almost feel like she’s mad at me because I work and she doesn’t. Should I say something? ~ Friend in Need

Good friends are often asked to listen and support when others no longer do. Your friend may just need to vent. But you don’t know that if you don’t ask her. I suggest asking her how you can help the next time she brings up the topic. Depending on her answer you can then say something about how you feel helpless or that you think she’s mad at you. You may be surprised by what you find out. ~ Alisa

My mother always said, “Misery loves company.” Hey, It’s not your fault that you’re working. (Well, actually it is. But it’s a good thing.) If your friend isn’t happy for your well-being, then she’s not a really good friend. But, your question is what to do. Well, I’d offer her the names of a few good temp agencies. If she gets a job doing something, anything, she’ll start to feel better about herself, and maybe start being a better friend again. ~ Gina

Four's a Crowd

Dear Alisa and Gina,

An ex-client of mine, who has the potential to be a future client, wants to have dinner with her husband, my husband, and me. My husband refuses to go, and I also have no interest in socializing with them. How do I say no without insulting her, and without wrecking my business relationship with her? ~ Stuck in the Middle

I’ve dealt with this myself. Say “How about you and I do lunch, instead, and talk about our husbands.” During lunch, tell her that your husband’s not a social butterfly. She’ll get the message – and you’ll get out of a tight spot gracefully. ~ Gina

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to let your client know that your husband doesn’t like to have dinners with your clients. And it would also be quite alright for you to say that your schedule for dinners is very complex and that lunch works better. I think what’s key here is that you don’t build this into something that it isn’t. You are the one who believes you might insult her; it’s important to realize that this is your story. ~ Alisa

Party Animal

Dear Alisa and Gina,

 Well – we had our holiday office party this week, and one of our employees (who I supervise) got drunk, and to put it frankly, acted like an idiot. He made inappropriate comments, and made a fool of himself. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it was just employees, but clients were there, too. He got a ride home, then showed up the next day acting very sheepish, but didn’t say anything. Should I? (By the way, we’re a small company, and don’t have an HR department.)

Stuck Supervisor

I wouldn’t let any more time pass. It’s important for you to be clear that your concerns are not about how he handles his personal life, but how his behavior may effect his business relationships and your company’s relationships with clients. I would be as clear as you can – and use “I” language. If you get the impression this is an on-going issue you might suggest he seek more professional help.You should also consult your company lawyer to discuss your rights as an employer ~Alisa

I agree ~ Gina

Bossed Around

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My boss is a last minute kind of person. He often calls me late in the day so that I have to work into the evening in order to complete something by the next morning. If that isn't bad enough - I'm really more of a morning person. I always meet my deadlines, but I'd really like to work during working hours - not after hours. Should I say something to my boss, or just keep quiet, and think about looking for another job? ~ Stuck at Work

It depends. Do you like your job? Your boss? If so, why not try to talk to your boss before throwing in the towel? Explain your situation in "I" terms just as you explained it to us. For example: "I want to do the best job on our projects. That means I should tackle them during the day when my brain is clear. Would it be possible to get assignments earlier in the day - or push back deadlines so that I can finish them up the next day? I think I would do a better job that way." Then let your boss respond. Chances are he'll respect your work ethic and accommodate you. If not - start looking. ~ Gina

I think you can frame this conversation with your boss in terms of work styles. Simply voice your need to manage your projects so that you can work at the time of day when you’re most efficient. This conversation can be about how to work together to be most productive and valuable to your customers. Maybe you can also suggest ways to reduce the last minute approach and make his life better as well. ~ Alisa