Picture This

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Last night my husband and I went out for a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner. A family sitting a couple of tables away starting taking flash pictures, mostly of their baby. I wouldn’t have minded if they took a few pictures, but they must have taken a few dozen. The flash was distracting and disturbing. Should we have asked the waiter to say something? Or said something ourselves? ~ Annoyed

Dinner with the baby on Valentine’s Day? That’s actually very sweet. Clearly they were feeling the love for their little one. (Must be an only child.) Look, there will always be situations when people act inappropriately with their children. My pet peeve is diaper changing in public. And in both situations I would say – just look away – it will be over very soon. ~ Gina

Before you speak up I think you need to think about what outcome you hope for. You are hoping to have a romantic dinner. That actually may have nothing to do with anyone around you. The best way may just be to stay focused on your husband. If you can keep your full attention on your own companion all the distractions and annoyances around you will sink into the background. ~ Alisa

Help Wanted

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I am looking for a job – and I am struggling about asking one friend in particular for an introduction to his company. Our relationship has largely been social and though we talk about work, there has never been any deep interest in what I do precisely and what I’m looking for. Now that I’ve been let go, I feel a greater sense of urgency. I’m a little annoyed he’s never offered, since he’s known about my situation practically the whole time I have. How do I ask for help – or should I even try? - Searching for a Situation

It’s hard when dear friends and family can’t read our minds and offer the help we dream of. But that’s sort of a fairy tale. I suggest that you get very specific about what you are looking for, do some research about who might be able to make an introduction for you, and then go talk with everyone you know. It’s unlikely that the first person will be able to make one introduction that will be perfect, but you may just be surprised at the number of interesting people you will meet. ~ Alisa

 I agree with Alisa. How about a simple e-mail that says, “Are there any openings for positions in your company that you think would be right for me. Or, can you suggest someone in your company, or elsewhere, to whom I can speak or send a résumé?” Simple, direct, and the worst thing he can say is no. But, I bet he’ll come up with a few suggestions anyway.~ Gina

True Colors

Dear Alisa and Gina ~

I have a friend who must have assumed that I would be voting the same way as she did in the presidential election.  We had not discussed it because I have not seen her in a while.
She sent me some e-mails with jokes that I considered nasty and offensive about the candidate that I actually did vote for.  I was annoyed because I thought the e-mails were hateful and surprised that she would think I am the type of person who would appreciate this kind of thing.
I did not say anything because I figured this would stop. However, the election is over and today I got another e-mail from her that is offensive to me. Even if I had not voted the way I did, I find this very disrespectful and subtly racist.  She has been a good friend to me in the past so I do not want to end our friendship but I want to let her know that I do not appreciate these messages.

How should I handle this? ~ Shocked in New Jersey

It sounds to me like you are ready to speak up. By holding back your true reactions to the e-mails you’ve continued to get them. And you’ve also learned something about a friend that makes you uncomfortable. Are you concerned that speaking up might compromise your friendship? If so, who is more important to you – the other person, or yourself?  ~ Alisa

It’s always hard when someone who we consider a friend reveals her underbelly - and it doesn't jibe with our conscience. Do you still really want to be friends with someone who you consider racist? If not - reply to her latest e-mail with a note that says that you don't have much in common anymore. But, if as you say, you want to preserve the friendship then you'll have to look the other way. ~ Gina

Estranged Bedfellows

Dear Gina and Alisa:
A very dear friend and I have extremely different views on the upcoming election--candidates and issues. She knows I'm not always on her page politically, but we haven't really talked lately about the current climate.

Over the past several weeks, she has sent me emails "endorsing" her cause, asking if "I'm with her" and other like missives.

I have been deleting the emails, and not saying anything, but should I ask her kindly not to send me any more political emails? I believe she might be offended, so I've just kept quiet, which I think is the way to go. What do you think? ~ Trying to Stay Neutral in the South

It sounds like you don’t want to get into the fray. (And my guess is that she’s probably sending out those e-mails to lots of people.) You could just consider it junk mail and keep hitting the delete button. Or send a reply email with “Please unsubscribe” in the subject line. ~ Gina

I guess the real question is what’s more important to you: your beliefs or offending a friend who knows you so little that she includes you in a mass email (or perhaps she wants to change you without actually confronting you)? This is only a question that you can answer but I would offer that if it keeps coming up for you when you receive her emails, there is something that is not sitting well with you. That’s what you need to speak about. ~ Alisa

Broken Promises

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I visited friends over the weekend and they have a broken step leading up to their house. I turned my ankle on the step and while I didn’t hurt myself badly, my ankle is sore. My friends apologized and kept repeating that they’ve been meaning to fix that step - but I happen to know that it’s been broken for years. I’m afraid they’re going to get sued. I know money is tight for them - so how do I say to them that they need to take care of it right away? - Sore 

Tell your friends that they need to take a larger look at their financial situation - and take into account what it would cost them if someone sued them. Or, if they missed work because they got hurt themselves. Maybe you’ll be giving them the wake-up call they need. ~ Alisa

Get one of those orange traffic cones (do not take it off the highway) and place it over the broken step.~ Gina

Minding his Manners

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I’ve been dating someone and it’s getting kind of serious. However his table manners aren’t great and I can see where he gets it from - his family’s are even worse. I would like to correct him, but I don’t want to insult him. Should I say something? ~ Grossed Out

P.S. We’re both in our 40s - so it’s not like he’s a kid.

It sounds like this is really important to you - and if it is you need to bring it up sooner rather than later. Think through what about it is important you - is it embarrassing? Disgusting? Do you think this reflects on you - or can you separate from it? Then take action. Or don’t. ~ Alisa

Pick your battles. A napkin left on the table is no biggie - but a mouth full of food while talking is. If he’s doing something really offensive, remind him vs. teach him - implying that he already knows what’s right. Otherwise let it go. ~ Gina

 

 

Being There

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a friend who has been going through a difficult time for the last few months  - and is constantly needy for conversation. I care about her, but every conversation is filled with much anger, and intense emotion and I sometimes say the wrong things and hurt her feelings or make her angrier. I can’t seem to keep my distance and be objective. I don’t want to be a fair-weather friend  - but now I’m just exhausted. It’s gotten to a point that when I see her on the caller ID I sometimes don’t pick up. How do I stay close to her without draining myself. ~ Tired Out

My husband once told me (with a grin) that even when things are bad he only allows himself 15 minutes a day of self-pity. Then he has to get over it and move on. A while back I was going through something difficult, and like your friend, wanted lots of conversation and support day after day after day. Finally, after being very patient with me for days on end, my husband gently said, “Honey, I think your 15 minutes are up.” He was right. I needed to hear that in order to move on.

I think your friend’s 15 minutes are up, too. You might want to find a loving way to tell her that. ~ Gina

When we have a friend who has a need for support, sometimes it can be hard to be sympathetic because we get caught up in the immediacy of their pain, we actually lose perspective on whose pain it is. If you can remember to take stock in the midst of a conversation (by that I mean take a breath and center yourself) you may find it is easier to listen openly and compassionately. Most people in pain need sympathy, not problem solving. And when you find you cannot provide the sympathy, excuse yourself from the conversation as warmly as you can. You might try something along the lines of, “I want to be as supportive as I can, but right now, I’m feeling overwhelmed.” ~ Alisa

Help Wanted?

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a big problem asking for help, business, support, whatever. However I usually have no trouble responding to someone who asks for my help or support. Any tips on how I can learn to reach out to others, or make requests, without feeling needy or greedy? ~ Ready, Willing and Able

I think it’s good that you have an internal mechanism in place that prevents you from asking too much. However, yours seems to be in overdrive. Don’t be afraid to ask others for whatever it is you need. Just don’t ask the same person too often. And always follow up with a thank you. ~ Gina

Not every request needs profuse thanks, many people like to help each other out, a smile is often enough thanks. Asking for help is a way to connect with others.

What have you ever heard that would lead you to think that you are asking for too much? How would you know? If you enjoy responding, don’t you think that someone else might get some pleasure too? Making a request of someone usually means that you trust them to come through for you or you acknowledge that they might know something that you don’t. Are you afraid you will be rebuffed? Do you think you have to be strong for everyone else? Think about what you fear; it may just be an old survival habit that instead of keeping you afloat is actually bringing you down. ~ Alisa

 

Heart to Heart

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My husband and I agreed not to get each other Valentine’s Day gifts this year– but plan to go out to dinner instead. But this past Christmas we said the same thing, and my husband got me gifts anyway. And I felt badly because I stuck with our agreement and didn’t get him anything.

So with Valentine’s Day coming up, should I buy him something anyway, because he might buy me something? Should I stick with our agreement? Or should I say something? ~ Confused

Your question is interesting. You say you felt badly. Did your husband? Are you reacting to what he may have said or are you creating a story around how you might have felt? Sorting out where your reaction starts can help clarify how to act in the future. My recommendation is that you move forward with what feels right to you – as clear of drama that you’ve concocted as you can. So that might mean, buying a card or writing a paragraph to him about what your relationship means to you. And then if he gets you a present, you have a conversation about what the agreement not to buy really meant or might mean in the future. ~ Alisa

Buy lingerie for yourself. Then, if he gets you a gift, tell him he’ll get his later. And if he doesn’t get you a gift, well, what the heck, wear it anyway. ~ Gina

...Who Needs Enemies?

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I lost touch with a friend from college about two years ago, soon after she visited for a weekend with my husband and me. While in our home she made rude comments to both of us regarding our recent wedding among other topics. In addition, she showed us both her ‘new’ photo album, which contained ‘old’ pictures of me and a former significant other, which made me feel very uncomfortable in front of my husband. Oddly enough, she didn’t see anything wrong with that. After she left our home, she called a few times but I was still so upset with her, I never called back. She recently left a message for me saying ‘if I wanted to talk to her, please call her back.’ I feel that maybe we’ve grown apart and can no longer be friends, but part of me feels guilty for not giving our friendship another try.  Should I say something? ~ Friend or Foe

If the only reason you're thinking about calling her back is guilt, I think you should dig a little deeper and try to explore how you really feel. If you're still hurt or angry, and you want to clear the air, maybe calling her back would be a chance to do that. But I'd suggest you do some planning about what you need to let her know for instance, what hurt you, why you still want to be friends. If all you find is guilt and wanting to be a good girl, then move on. ~ Alisa

I think they made a movie about your friend. It was called “Clueless.” Listen to Alisa – those are words from the wise.~ Gina

Friend in Need

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a really good friend who went through a painful break up with a long-term boyfriend several years ago. The break up was drawn out and at one point she was going to go back to him even though he treated her rather badly, but I counseled her against it. Shortly after that she developed what has become a large-scale fantasy relationship with a very well known actor. She travels to all sorts of places where she knows he’s shooting a movie. She’s a serious amateur photographer and she takes pictures. All she talks about is meeting him. Whenever any of our group of friends attempts to talk to her about the situation, she shuts down. What should I say? ~ Worried Friend

Ask her if you can have his autograph. Get one for me, too.

Seriously though, this woman is clearly delusional and I’m not sure anything you say is going to stick.  I mean, you and I both know she needs professional counseling, but she shuts down when you talk to her. She doesn’t want to hear from you – and since you’ve already expressed your concern to her, it’s time to back off. (But if she seems dangerous, notify the authorities.) ~ Gina

I guess the question is really how much do you want to stay friends with her? If you are truly interested in her, being her friend may require being with her and accepting her current focus. If you emphasize how you feel, not saying “you” but sticking with “I” you may be able to build back some trust. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you’d like to be able to hang out the way you used to. If she feels she has a friend to turn to, she may open up again. ~ Alisa 

What's My Line?

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I seem to constantly grapple with friends overstepping bounds, asking for me to work for them for free under the guise of "help."  I wish I could say that it only exists with friends, but I do find myself in some sticky situations when people are referred to me by business colleagues and surprised that I won't give of my time to help them. With that long introduction, my question is "How do I delicately talk about my money and value without feeling heavy handed?" ~ Over-asked, Underpaid

Your question brings up many more questions from me,

Why do you need to be delicate when you talk about money?

Does it make you uncomfortable to say you’re trying to run a business?

What has your experience been with speaking up about fees?

Are you anticipating this response, or have you actually been called heavy handed?

Before you can speak up for yourself you need to be familiar with what drives your habits, so I’d suggest you start off dedicating some time to observe your reactions so have a clearer understanding of what holds you back from being direct and precise with potential clients and friends. ~ Alisa

When someone says, “Can you help me?” smile and say, “Can you afford me?” ~ Gina

Working it Out

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a friend who’s been out of work for several months. She used to have lots of ideas and energy but lately she’s been getting pretty down about her lack of income. I’ve been really supportive but I’m running out things to say to her. And sometimes I almost feel like she’s mad at me because I work and she doesn’t. Should I say something? ~ Friend in Need

Good friends are often asked to listen and support when others no longer do. Your friend may just need to vent. But you don’t know that if you don’t ask her. I suggest asking her how you can help the next time she brings up the topic. Depending on her answer you can then say something about how you feel helpless or that you think she’s mad at you. You may be surprised by what you find out. ~ Alisa

My mother always said, “Misery loves company.” Hey, It’s not your fault that you’re working. (Well, actually it is. But it’s a good thing.) If your friend isn’t happy for your well-being, then she’s not a really good friend. But, your question is what to do. Well, I’d offer her the names of a few good temp agencies. If she gets a job doing something, anything, she’ll start to feel better about herself, and maybe start being a better friend again. ~ Gina

Politically Correct

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Since politics is so much in the news today it’s not easy to avoid, and with a mother who has become increasingly outspoken on her political viewpoints, it seems that most family gatherings have a few fiery remarks from all sides of the topic. Sometimes I participate – and sometimes I just want to crawl away. It feels like whatever warmth and pleasure we take in each other’s company is lost as we get pulled further apart by the discussion.  Should I say something? – Up in the Air

My take on your discomfort is that it’s hard for you to disagree deeply with someone you like. And for many of us politics can be very emotional. Before you decide to speak or not I suggest you experiment with your own emotional involvement with the issues that are being raised. It may that what you experience is not what others are experiencing. That being said, it’s also perfectly reasonable to say – this is making me uncomfortable. Can we change the topic? ~ Alisa

Whenever politics come up I just say,  “Hey don’t blame me. I voted for McGovern.” I wasn’t actually old enough to vote for him, but I saw that on a bumper sticker. ~ Gina

Itemizing

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My husband always refers to certain possessions as “his items” or, when it comes to my things “your ‘items’” even though we have been married for 15 years. The one thing that really irks me is his reference to “his car” (which is 18 years old) and “my car” which we purchased six years ago. I have asked him to stop many times, but he still does it. What do I do? ~ Not Possessive

I don’t get the problem. “His car” is 18 years old, and “your car” is only six? Sounds like you ended up the winner. You could just ignore him – think of it as a quirk. Or, do what my mother did. When the kids are being really bad, refer to them as “your children.” And when they’re being adorable, refer to them as “mine.” ~ Gina

This could be very deep or it could just be a personality quirk. I know very generous people who have this speech habit deeply ingrained and it doesn’t mean anything. However, without talking about it, you can’t know that for sure. Before you have that conversation I suggest you take some time to investigate what is bothering you about his language. Do you feel excluded, forgotten, attacked? When you do have the conversation be sure to tell him how it makes you feel. Don’t ask him to stop, just let him know it hurts you and try to give him some insight into why. ~Alisa

The Cost of Living...Together

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My boyfriend and I have decided to move into an apartment together. He makes three times more money than I do. Should we split expenses 50/50, or should I suggest that he pays more since he makes more? ~ Girlfriend

I think he should suggest he pays more since he makes more. But, if he doesn’t offer, then yes, split the expenses 50/50. (However, every time you go out, make him buy you dinner.) ~ Gina

I’m interested to hear how you’re deciding how much to pay for rent. Clearly splitting 50/50 puts you into a very different kind of neighborhood. That would be a good place to start the discussion about how you’re going to split expenses. If he doesn’t offer to pay the same % of his salary that you’re paying from yours, that would be a good way in to a deeper discussion of how you relate to money. That’s a huge conversation worth having as soon as possible. ~Alisa

Holiday Gift Causes a Rift

My husband and I agreed that we would not spend more than $200 per family member for Christmas. Our family members have agreed to do the same for us and for each other.  But my husband’s sister is always crying poverty and makes him feel guilty that he has money. So, my husband told me that he is giving her $1,000 for Christmas because she "needs the money". I don't want to say anything because it is his money and it won't hurt us financially, but I think I should say something. – Married with Sister-in-Law

When I was 10 and my brother was 12 he bought me a heart-shaped necklace (engraved with our initials) with the money he earned delivering dry cleaning in our neighborhood. When I reminded him recently of how sweet that was, he said, “Well that was before I knew it wasn’t cool to date your sister.”

OK, enough of that. There’s something about helping his sister that makes your husband feel good about himself – even to the point that he’s willing to break the agreement you had about the holidays. If it’s not hurting you financially, I think you should kiss your husband and tell him he’s a good egg. By coming over to “his side” you might be able to get a good dialogue going about his guilt and help him to open up about it, and let him know how you feel in turn. I mean, I think he may be enabling her – but I think you both need to get to a good place emotionally in order to discuss that.~ Gina

First, I have a few questions. How did you and your husband come to the decision to limit the size of the gifts? How did your husband let you know he’d decided to make such a generous gift to his sister? Did he refer to your mutual decision and say in this case he felt it was important to do something different? Or did he announce his decision without including you in it? If it was the latter then I suggest your conversation be focused on how you communicate and make decisions jointly as a couple. Be sure to start off by saying that it’s not about the money, it’s about your need and desire to be included in the process. ~ Alisa

Blackberry Blues

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I recently went on a date with a very nice woman. We were having a good time before dinner, but during the meal (between courses) she took out her Blackberry and was answering e-mail messages, etc. She told me that she had an important work situation that she had to deal with, but that she didn’t want to cancel our date, so she just had to take care of this. But I was annoyed. Should I have said something? What if it happens again? ~ Blackberry Blues

When you meet someone new you have a great chance to start fresh. Part of that chance includes voicing things that are important to you. You may be concerned that she won’t want to see you again, but do you want to start getting involved with someone who acts this way? So, I think you need to bring this situation up, as you make your plans for a next get together. You don’t have to make it a heavy conversation, but it’s important to express how annoying you find her cyber interruptions. Take a deep breath and speak from your heart. ~ Alisa

 Ok, here's what to do. When she’s on the Blackberry, pick up your cell phone. Pretend to call someone. Have a very exaggerated conversation with a pretend friend. Say, loud enough for her to hear, “Hey I’m on this date with this really sexy woman. But she keeps getting on her Blackberry. What do you think I should do?” Pretend to be listening very intently to the answer. If that doesn’t get her off the thing, throw olives at her. That should get her attention. ~ Gina

The Borrowers

Dear Alisa and Gina,

This is a pet peeve of mine. I like to read, and talk about books. Sometimes friends ask if they can borrow a book I’ve finished. I love it when my friends read the same books so we can discuss them, but many times I don’t get the book back – even if I ask for it. I don’t want to be stingy and say no, but at the same time books are expensive and I’d like to get them back. Right now three friends owe me books. ~ Literature Lady

Your sentiments are well worded and you have no obligation to lend books if it makes you uncomfortable. I think all you need to do is say what you said to us: “I love it when my friends read the same books so we can discuss them, but many times I don’t get the book back – even if I ask for it.” Tell that to the next person who wants to borrow a book. You’re taking care of yourself and your needs and that’s commendable. ~ Alisa

I hardly ever buy books – because I rarely read them more than once. (So many books, so little time.) Go to the library. Then you’ll never have to lend a book again. In fact, don’t lend anything you expect back. Remember what Shakespeare said? "Neither a borrower nor a lender be; 
For loan oft loses both itself and friend." ~ Gina

 

When the Cookie Recipe Crumbles

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My little girl has a school friend whose mother makes the most wonderful holiday cookies. She gives us a tin each year. When I asked her for the recipe she said I could have it, but hasn’t come through, even though I’ve gently reminded her. With the holidays coming up I would really love to make that recipe for my family and friends, but I’m reluctant to ask her again. Do you think I should? ~ Craving Cookies

I'd push her. I'd push her until you not only get that recipe but a couple of dozen more. I don't get that secret family recipe thing. What is that about? You're not asking to borrow her diamond earrings. You're complimenting her. If she didn't want you to have it she shouldn't have said you could. Seriously though, ask her just one more time. (I hope you get it.) ~ Gina

How important is the recipe to you? I ask that because it’s key to weigh our immediate desires in the scope of a bigger relationship. If you’ve already reminded her once I’d let it go and enjoy the cookies you receive each year. ~ Alisa