Opposites Attract or Bad Boyfriend?

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My sister and I are very close. We are 29 year old identical twins and have always lived together or close by and have even run a business together.

She has been dating someone for over four years who is completely wrong for her. Everyone who loves her makes the same observation but we are mostly all too polite to let our feelings known to her.

It's not as though he is mean or hurtful, in fact he is a good boyfriend in many ways. But he lacks any intelligence or opinion, things that have always been important to my sister and still appear to be in all other facets of her life.

I acknowledged my doubts to her (stupidly, in argument) about three years ago and it just ended in an even bigger argument that got us nowhere. But since that time I have held my tongue and maintained regular contact with them both even though it drives me quietly insane. This has kept the peace but it also concerns me that I am not being true to myself or her by putting on a brave or fake persona when all I want to do is be honest with her and TALK and listen to what she has to say about it.

I am petrified that they are going to get engaged one day, I have regular nightmares about it because I honestly don't think I am going to be able to feign happiness for her if that happens, or be involved in the wedding.

I am constantly baffled that she can claim to want to be surrounded by intelligent people and then go home to a guy who is quite simply put, stupid. He's not stupid in a foolish or arrogant way but he makes no effort with her friends or family and seems happiest when he can sit in bored silence. In some ways I feel sorry for him because he is often surrounded by people who have a wide range of knowledge and opinions that don't seem to interest him. It all just baffles me so much that most of the time I'm in their company I want to scream.

My question is - should I say something? ~ Troubled Twin

Sounds like your sister’s more interested in what’s below the belt than what’s above the neckline. Maybe she needs a break from brains once in a while. Just be happy for her. ~ Gina

When I read your question, I think you know what you want and need to do, you're just not sure of how to do it. It's really scary to risk a close relationship and speak up about something so huge as what may indeed become a life partnership for your sister. So it's all the more important to make certain that your intentions are clear and that you speak from your heart. Words are very powerful and you will need to keep in mind that even if your intentions are clear and pure, the consequences of what your say may not be what you intend. Are you prepared to be "right" and impact your relationship? Can you say your piece and then in all honesty say, "but you do what you want and I'll love you and stand by you, whatever you do"? You need to walk yourself through the plan in all of its branches, sit with the possibilities and be ready. Gina may just be right. ~ Alisa

Growing Up is Hard to Do

Dear Gina and Alisa,

My older daughter (26 today) has not talked with her dad face-to-face for almost a year. They have become estranged after he began to direct his anger and criticism towards her starting when he went through a divorce from his second wife. My daughter called off her engagement last summer, and her younger sister completed her bachelor's degree, which my older daughter has not yet completed. Much of his very loud verbal conflict with her was over her "failures" in her relationship(?!) and as a student. He did criminal background checks of men she dated following her break-up and even called her a "slut". He works for the court system and so has some "inside tracks" but looked up the wrong person. She has tried several times to engage him in some constructive "meeting of the minds", but the way he has spoken to her in letters, on the phone and in text messages has been abusive - he has said things no father should ever say to a daughter. He read a letter to me that he wrote to her thinking I would be supportive but I was stunned and told him so. He did not seem to realize how inappropriate he was, and was surprised by my reaction.

He did not acknowledge her birthday today. He has a strong need to be in conflict with someone, has "cast out" several family members and close friends after various conflicts or disagreements, has a strong family history of bipolar disorder, and smokes marijuana heavily on a daily basis. My daughter has always had a strong need for his approval, and she has been struggling with all this but has strong ties with family and friends, as well as a new BF who is very kind. She is depressed but pretty resilient.

He is no longer speaking to me because I signed over her partially used trust for college to her before it expired last December (a few thousand dollars) He believes my daughter and I "conspired" to steal "thousands of dollars" from him, even though I called him before I signed it over and we had similar concerns that I shared with my daughter before I signed it over. It never occurred to me that this was his or my money to take back. Worst of all, he is now openly favoring our younger daughter and creating divisiveness and conflict between them. My urge is to protect them both from him, but I can't. She can't afford counseling right now because she doesn't have health insurance. What is the best way to help her? Thank you for your suggestions. ~ Mom Forever

Stop talking with your ex-husband. Don’t read his letters to his daughters. It’s time to remove yourself from the relationship, and tell your daughter to detach with love. ~Gina

I don’t think we ever grow out of wanting to protect our children, and of course there will always be people and situations that we can’t prevent them from having to experience. From what you say your daughter’s father has a history of medical/psychological issues. Difficult as it may be, he can’t really be expected to behave as a healthy adult might. Perhaps it might be useful to consult with your own medical practitioner to learn more clearly what behavior is reasonable/typical to expect from someone with his condition? This might serve as a springboard for you to determine how much contact and what kind of contact you decide to have with him in the future and it will be a good place to start a conversation with your daughter. It takes two to have a relationship and if as Gina says you model how to not engage that may just be the best parenting possible. ~Alisa

All in the Family

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Two years ago I received an urgent babysitting request from my son. My daughter-in-law had been hospitalized because of an eye disorder and I drove my grandson to school for five months until she could see out of that eye.

The eye incident occurred at the time her parents moved five states away for no real reason. She and her two sisters in NJ were very upset about the move. Around that time, I heard the term "MS" used by my son and his wife once.

Every few months, I babysit so that my son and daughter-in-law can attend her regularly scheduled visit with a neurologist. Then I recently saw at their house a prescription for a medication that I know is related to MS. Then it disappeared.

We don’t talk about these details at all and the difficulty stems from the fact that I am of a different race and religion from my daughter-in-law and she and my son (now in the same religion as his wife) prefer to confide in her family and not in me. I understand that adherents to their fundamentalist religion do not speak their troubles out loud.

So here's my question: can I ask her if she has MS and how she is progressing, and if she would consider an alternative treatment I researched for a friend with MS? Or do I ask my son about whether I can talk to her?

How do I deal here? – Concerned Mother-in-Law

It sounds like you are very close to your grandchildren, your son and your daughter-in-law despite what sounds like a very large difference in beliefs. You are trying to figure out what to say and do based on limited information. I think you need to speak up and you need to be clear about what you’re speaking up about. Is it just about the alternative therapy? Or would you like to ask a larger question, which is: what can we talk about? Or, how can I show that I care? I suggest you write down a list of all of your questions and then pick the top two or three. Address these questions to both of them together. See what kind of conversation you can begin to have. ~ Alisa

You can ask anything you want. They certainly ask things of you. You may not get the answer you want, or any answer at all. You may be considered helpful and caring. Or you may be perceived as prying. There’s no telling what the reaction will be – but I think you already know that. So start off by saying, “I’d like to ask you a few things, and if they’re none of my business tell me, and my feelings won’t be hurt.” And make sure you mean it. ~ Gina

No Thank Yous

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I really try to be a good long-distance aunt, but I am getting tired of sending gifts during the holidays and birthdays and not getting a thank you! At what age can I stop sending presents? My nieces and nephews are getting older (22, 19 and then it drops to the little ones - 7,5, 2s) and I think there must be a cut-off point. - Tired of No Thanks

You’re not the victim, you’re the gift giver. You decide when you’re done. But first, here are some things to consider. People say thank you and write thank-you notes often because of how their own parents behave. Is your issue with your nieces/nephews or your siblings? Have you ever mentioned how much you’d like to hear whether they received the gift and whether it was something they liked? And finally, why do you give gifts? Once you investigate your own motivations and intentions, your action will become clear. ~ Alisa

How about sending a note to the older kids several weeks before the holidays, inviting them to choose a charity (give them a short list) and then making a donation on their behalf? (If they don't choose, you choose.) Then you will have given a gift, it will go somewhere where it will be greatly appreciated, and your nieces and nephews will receive fundraising mail for the rest of their lives. ~ Gina

Rough Rough

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My boyfriend wants his parents to meet me. This is a big step for us and I’m really looking forward to it. The only problem is I have a dog whose name is Fred and my boyfriend’s father’s name is also Fred. I’m afraid his dad might be insulted. What’s your advice? - I Know This Sounds like a Sitcom

Start calling your dog Fido immediately. He’ll never know the difference. ~ Gina

This is just the first of many opportunities you’re going to have to let your boyfriends parents get to know you. I say, tell it like it is. Let the Freds meet openly. ~Alisa

Heavy Issue

Dear Alisa and Gina,

We have a problem with our cousin's family.They have an obese daughter who is 2 1/2 years old who weighs 40 pounds and is less then 3 ft tall. Her Bmi is 33 which is more then obese. When we went vacationing with them, she drank SIX bottles of juice with a heavy meal afterwards. I HATE to see her grow in a bad way and I don't want her to be obese when older.

Her older sister is 7 and she is overweight. When we were vacationing, she ate a cup of noodles which is pretty heavy along with fries, mini corn dogs and chicken strips. She also drank 6+ bottles of juice. THEN, she wanted ANOTHER bowl of noodles afterwards, (I couldn't even eat one and I'm a teen!) and when we went out to get McDonald's for my little sibling, my cousin wanted some chicken nuggets! She even whined for them but her parents refused (They are also overweight).

Everyone in their family eats a lot in any time of the day like nobody's business. (Mother,father,son,daughters)
Their son is 11ish and he is too overweight. (140+ pounds)

So, my question is, should I say or do something about how much the parents are feeding the kids? ~ Troubled

The story you tell is troubling to say the least. And the level of detail quite remarkable. But your ability to influence the situation is limited. The most powerful thing you can do is to set a good example through your own eating and exercise habits and your relationship to food. Unless you are really close to the cousin's parents I think that’s really all you can do. ~ Alisa

Start filming them - I think you have the makings of a reality show in here somewhere. ~ Gina

Wedding Meddling

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I’m getting married soon, for the second time, and having a small wedding. Recently, my parents ran into old friends of the family who they haven’t seen in years, and invited them to my wedding. They’re very excited about coming - but frankly I’m annoyed at my parents. I have friends who aren’t even coming because we’re trying to keep the guest list short. I haven’t sent out the invitations yet - but they know the date. Now what do I do? ~ Mad

You can do lots of things. Tell off your parents and make them un-invite the friends.  Tell your parents they can't come because the new people took their places. Be spontaneous - and enjoy these old family friends at your wedding. Or elope.~ Gina

Here comes your chance for a truly brave conversation. I think you need to have a very open discussion with your parents. I’m not sure what the final outcome will be and you don’t need to know that either. What you do need to know is what’s most important to you.  Is it that you didn’t invite some of your friends and your parents have invited theirs? Is it that you feel your needs haven’t been considered? Is it something else? With that as the point of the conversation, you can move into uncharted territory. And you need to do this right away. There is will be no better time.  ~ Alisa

 

Cousin Quandry

Dear Alisa and Gina,

 I recently bought a home and hired my cousin as my mortgage broker. A few weeks before closing on the property, my cousin left the mortgage company without letting me know and without making sure my mortgage would be complete in time for my closing. I couldn’t reach my cousin by phone or e-mail. I had to switch at the last minute to a new mortgage broker – and everything is OK – thank goodness. My problem is, I am going to see my cousin at holidays and at family get-togethers. Should I say something to try to preserve the relationship?

Confused

Using family members for business transactions can be like dating someone in your building. When it doesn’t work out, there’s nowhere to hide. Leave it up to your cousin to try to preserve the relationship. And next time, hire outside the family. ~ Gina

Just one more area when the holiday season can carry all sorts of additional burdens. You have an issue with your cousin and you probably will continue to carry that around until you say something about how you were treated. This doesn’t mean you have to have a big argument or call your cousin names. You may be able to make it clear that your closing had a lot of drama, in no small part because you had to scramble to get a mortgage to avoid penalties. You’ll probably be able to gauge how uncomfortable or oblivious your cousin is pretty quickly and if you still want to have a relationship mention how the closing went and say you were disappointed. Next time you hire anyone make sure you check references thoroughly. Even when it’s family; especially when it’s family. ~ Alisa

Cousin Cuisine

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My cousin, who comes over to eat often, is a recent sort-of-vegetarian. (She does eat cheese, eggs, and dairy.)

Lately, before she visits, she calls us to tell us what we should purchase/make for her meal. My wife thinks we should accommodate her - after all she says, she’s family. But I think that my cousin should ask what we’re serving, and if she doesn’t want it, should bring her own microwavable meal. I mean, why should we change our menu to meet her needs? Can you settle this for us? ~ Let Her Eat Cake

Hey, I’m not a vegetarian either - (something to aspire to.) But if you know your cousin’s not going to eat meat - for goodness sake, don’t serve Bambi or Elsie that one day. You’ll all eat healthier. ~ Gina

Since it is your cousin, how about you initiate a new kind of conversation with her. Don’t just wait to hear from her, be proactive. When you invite her, tell her what the menu plan is, mention the vegetarian options. If you begin to think about the conversation in that way, you can still accommodate her AND you can act like hosts and be in control. ~Alisa

 

Holidaze

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a cousin in New Jersey who's like a younger sister to me. Over the past 10 years, she's been really nasty to her husband, mother, and kids but always nice to me.

 Last Christmas, I sent all of them gifts and she criticized the gift I got for her son (my 19-year old nephew). It was a fairly expensive "surfer" t-shirt but my cousin said her son would never wear it because he doesn't surf. Then she proceeded to tell me she would just give it away. I, dumbfounded by her rudeness, told her to send it back to me and I'd return it and just give my non-surfing nephew a check. Which she did, and I drove around for an hour trying to find a parking space at the mall so I could return the damn T-shirt.

Last week I bought a puppy and, in my excitement, called to tell her the good news. She proceeded to ask me why I got the dog and tell me what a problem it would be - then criticized me for my choice. I was speechless.

So, now that you have a taste of psycho-cousin, how do I handle the upcoming holidays? I'm afraid that, no matter what I buy, it won't be right for my cousin's critical eye. Do I just send cash to the kids? It seems so impersonal. And my nephew is almost 20 - why is she still choosing his wardrobe (poor kid still lives at home)? ~ Desperate Cousin

Oh dear. She’s gone off the deep end. Too bad you returned the surfer T-shirt - you could have sent it to your cousin this Christmas.

So this holiday give the family whatever you want - and ignore her anticipated criticism. It sounds like there’s just no pleasing her. (Just be grateful you’re not the one who lives with her.) ~ Gina

I agree with Gina, give your nephews and nieces what you want to give them. But I would also suggest that you do not "ignore" your cousin's behavior. If her behavior is so much on your mind and controlling how you make decisions, then you're not ignoring it. So I say, gather yourself together and share your feelings with your cousin. If you don't then you've consigned that relationship to the pile of people you know that you're trying to avoid. ~ Alisa

Oh Baby

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My husband’s daughter from a previous marriage had her first baby last August. My husband bought a baby food processor for a gift and never sent it. (His daughter lives on the other coast.) In December, I suggested he take the gift to the UPS store and have it wrapped and shipped. I even offered to do it. He said he would take care of it. Having been married to him for the past 15+ years, I was skeptical but said nothing. The box disappeared and I thought it had been sent. Last week I found the baby’s gift hidden. At this point the food processor is useless. However, my husband’s nephew had a baby in March. Should I suggest he give the gift to his nephew and purchase something else for his granddaughter’s first birthday? I don’t know what he may have told his daughter. ~ Concerned Stepmom

You appear to know your husband as well (or better) than he knows himself. Though you want to fix things, I get the strong sense that your energy is best spent elsewhere. ~ Alisa

There's more to this question that meets the eye. Does your husband have a good relationship with his daughter? Is he just bad with details? Or was he trying to send her a message? OK - if I were you, I'd feel guilty that my husband didn't send his daughter a gift in a timely fashion. (Because that's how I am.) I say, if you want to send your stepdaughter a gift - you should. Just make sure to let your husband know. ~ Gina

Brotherly Unlove

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My brother who is generally very loving and supportive to his family is very nasty to his wife. I often say something and try to turn it back to him in a humorous way. I love his wife and have asked her if she’s ok, but I don’t know if I should intervene any more. What should I be saying to him? ~ Sis

If your brother’s behavior makes you unhappy or uncomfortable than I think you owe it to yourself to say something to let him know that you don’t think he’s funny. I fear that by asking your sister-in-law if she’s OK you’re colluding with him and “protecting” the aggressor. ~ Alisa

Hmmm, your brother is loving and supportive - but nasty to his wife? In front of you? So maybe he's trying to tell you something. Don't ask your sister-in-law if she's OK, ask your brother if he's OK. He might need to talk. ~ Gina

Bedtime Blues

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I’ve tried various nighttime rituals but I have trouble getting my little girls to stay calm at night after a long day without a huge breakdown? What should I say? ~ Tired of Trying 

Who's having the breakdown, you or them? Depending on how little your girls are and what they have to do the next day you can try to let them experience being tired. (See Mrs. Piggle Wiggle). If they're old enough to have school, then they're old enough to have a conversation. Perhaps they need a new ritual- or separate time. Or perhaps you need to get some help from your partner or a friend. ~ Alisa

Try reading Shakespeare to them at night. That’s what my mom did. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ~ Gina

Messy Business

Dear Alisa and Gina,

How do I get my teenage son with ADHD to clean up his room without sounding like a complete nagging you-know-what? ~ Grossed Out Mom

You can’t. Just shut the door. But every month or so - bomb for bugs.~ Gina

I agree with Gina, you can "get" him to clean up his room. But you can be clear about your own boundaries. For instance, maybe there are things you won't be able to do as long as his room is like that, say help him find anything? ~ Alisa

A pound of protection

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My elderly mother has had a number of falls. On several occasions these falls have caused fractures which have entailed months in rehab before she can move back into her home. The last time she was in rehab, my brother and I (her only near relatives) made a number of long overdue adjustments to her living situation (she’s lived in the same house for over 40 years). Now that she’s back in the house, she’s undoing all the work we did. We’re concerned for her safety. And it’s also really time consuming because as she makes these changes more and more calls are generated. What would you say and to whom? ~ Concerned

Dealing with aging parents is a question for so many of us. It sounds like your mother is struggling to maintain some control over her own life. As hard as it is to see her “at risk” I think you need to have a conversation with her. You can express your emotional concern, mention your fears and see what she says. But you need to be willing to live with the something you can both agree to. If she gets to live her way, you are allowed to set your own boundaries for what you can do to support her. ~Alisa

Well what did you expect? You made all these changes without consulting her first – so of course she’s undoing them. Sorry to say but, even though she’s elderly and might not, as you’re implying, have the best judgment, you should have asked her before you rearranged her life – even if it was for her own good. Go and apologize. ~ Gina

Waking Moments

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My parents, who are in their eighties, openly talk about their funeral plans. They discuss the music they want, who should eulogize them, the kind of flowers they prefer. I can’t tell you how many conversations include the words, “When I die…”

It’s depressing and upsetting - but when I ask them not to they just say something cliché like, “well we’re not going to live forever.” Duh! I guess my question is not, “should I say something?” because I tried saying something and it didn’t work. But when they start this kind of talk, should I leave? I don’t want to upset them, but I’m tired of listening to this. ~ Upset

Before you walk away, I wonder if you could be clearer about why their talk upsets you so much. Most families I’ve met err in the direction of too little conversation, not too much. So there may be something about the way they talk about their plans that’s causing your reaction. Or there may be something missing in you that keeps you from meeting them “where they are.” I suggest that you have a conversation with them, You could start by asking them what motivates them to plan this out (they may be reacting to something they experienced) and then you might bring up your own feelings and see if they have some advice for you. It strikes me as very possible that your parents are giving you a great gift – a chance to know them more deeply than many children get. ~ Alisa

Your parents are way cool. They’re doing the dirty work so you can focus on the party. Could they adopt me? ~ Gina

 

 

 

Mouther-in-Law

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I recently went to a family wedding with my husband and his parents and we all sat at the same table. My mother-in-law, who is normally gracious and kind, chastised me out loud for giving money to the bride and groom instead of buying a gift from the registry. I felt it was none of her business, but I didn’t want to get into an argument with her. I was embarrassed and angry and feel like I should let her know. My husband thinks I should let it go. What do you think? Should I say something? ~ Still Fuming

Yeah - but it isn’t going to be easy. Still, don’t let her infantilize you. Stand up for yourself. What you give as a gift is your own business. ~ Gina

Remember, this is your husband’s mother, so his advice may be colored by his own relationship issues. You need to have your own relationship with her. So as you examine whether or not to speak up, consider what that relationship feels like right now. If you do decide that a conversation is necessary, I suggest you make a special appointment with your mother in law. In the conversation you can model for her how to bring up a concern with dignity and privacy. As you plan the conversation, consider what bothered you the most and why. From your question, it sounds like the public nature of her words was the issue. But as you consider the moment, be sure of that. To support yourself, make time to practice what you’re going to say – not so much to rehearse the exact words but to make sure that you feel comfortable with the message.  Alisa

Birthday Wishes

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My parents (they’re elderly) forgot my birthday…again! I know they’ll feel bad when they figure it out. (That’s what happened last year.) Should I say something? ~ Forgotten

You say you feel that your parents will feel bad. But how do YOU feel? Sometimes, we spend so much energy worrying about the emotional life of other people we forget to deal with our own. I want to know how it makes you feel? Do you feel badly they forgot you or worried about their health since they’re aging? Are you anxious that something might happen to them before you get remembered? Or something else? I suggest you try to sit with the question and see what comes up. Once you have a bit more of an answer, you may be very clear about what to do. ~ Alisa

Oooh, this is good. No, don’t say anything. The next time they try to make you feel guilty, you’ll have ammunition. ~ Gina

I Got the Wedding Bill Blues

Hi Alisa and Gina

My oldest daughter has become engaged and I am very happy for both of them. However, her fiancé’s parents have been divorced for some time and they are unable to even be in the same room together; their disdain for each other is alive and well! My former spouse and I are on good terms and we would like to take my daughter and future son-in-law out to dinner with my current husband and invite Mike's parents as a social gesture. My guess is that we should do this twice, inviting each parent separately. If we are making the gesture, I feel like we should pay for the meals, but two dinners out is a little pricey for us. We are not cheap, just on a very tight budget right now. Should we just swallow the expense of two getting-to-know-you meals out and do it for the happiness of our children? Thanks for your insights. I know this is just the beginning! ~ Mother-of-the-Bride-to-Be

I think you have the chance here to set the right precedent for your future relationship with a number of people. Focus on what you feel good about providing - without compromising or being too focused on what you're guessing are the concerns of others. So before you make any invitations, consider your intentions. Who do you want to celebrate? Who do you want to welcome? Who do you want to include? What's the best way to do this? If you are concerned about finances - this is a good time to be clear with everyone about that. (And I don't mean you need to cry poor, just don't set expectations unrealistically for anyone.) You want to be able to enjoy this phase of your life ~ Alisa

Why dinners out? Invite them to your home - separately as you mentioned. Don’t want to cook? Invite them for guacamole - or order a pizza. Your financial situation really doesn’t have anything to do with what you’re hoping to accomplish - which is to get to know these two - so don’t let it get in the way and cause you to feel resentment because you overextended yourself financially. ~ Gina

Generous to a Fault

Gina and Alisa,

My elderly parents have gotten into a bad situation financially by using credit cards. The main reason they are in this financial situation is that they have supported for years and continue to support my 30-year-old nephew who has a drug problem. I want to help my parents but am tired of giving them money that they, in turn, use to spend (and enable) my nephew. I do not want to see my parents struggle in their golden years but am in a quandary as to the best way to help them. Any ideas? ~ Concerned and Weary

I think this situation will call for more than one conversation. For starters you need to be very clear about what you want to say and how you will back up your words with action. And the most valuable way to start the communication is to express your concerns and feelings openly. Stick with how you are currently experiencing the situation. But also consider what you can and cannot influence. The only thing you can do is change what you do. If you feel strongly that your support is just going directly to your nephew then you have to cut off that support or ensure that it is only for your parents (perhaps arrange for weekly food deliveries to their home?) As our parents age, many of us find we are in a new and sometimes distressing role of "parenting" the parents. No one is really comfortable with this – and it's essential that those feelings be fully experienced and discussed. ~ Alisa

Speaking from personal experience I say stop giving them money - and find out if they’re willing to let you handle their finances for them - if that is in fact something you’d actually like to do. I have other questions. Why are they giving him money? Does he live with them? Are they afraid for him? Or afraid of him? I know there’s probably much more to the story, so it’s hard to answer this completely. Please feel free to write again with more details. You might want to go to Al-Anon (they even have online and telephone meetings) and suggest your parents do the same. It’s a great way to learn how to detach with love. ~ Gina