Not All Buttoned Up

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I recently bought a gown for a family event. Throughout the alterations I tried it on and everything was fine. The day of the event, as I was getting dressed, the zipper broke. We tried to fix it but it wasn't working. I ended up wearing another dress in the car on the way while a friend worked on the zipper. It was finally fixed well enough to be worn for the party and I changed back into it, but worried that it would open up on the dance floor. It didn't. Even though nothing happened some friends are telling me I should return the dress because of my stress, and because a repair was necessary. I feel funny about it because I wore it. I do want the shop to fix the zipper though. What do you think? ~ No Harm Done

Since you were able to wear it, you're right not to ask for your money back. Take it in, get it fixed, and tell your friends to zip it. ~ Gina

I think you definitely need to have a conversation with the shop owners. While they might not have a legal obligation to pay for anything, they may want to know they carry merchandise that is less than stellar. Rather than start off the conversation with a specific demand, why don’t you try telling the facts of your story and see how they respond? ~ Alisa

Too Much Information

Dear Alisa and Gina,

A neighbor of mine who I would consider a casual friend started sharing news of a family trauma with a large email distribution list of “friends,” after his son was in a terrible motorcycle accident. Our friend has been issuing daily (now weekly) updates on the situation, the condition of their son etc. since the accident occurred. These emails have included, more recently pictures of the son in rehab, which will be extensive. Though the communications are less frequent than they once were, they continue to be disturbing. I realize that this communication is a kind of therapy for our neighbor. I do have sympathy for all he is dealing with and I’m glad the son is recovering. Still, I find this a pretty inappropriate amount of sharing, and even somewhat embarrassing. It forces us to bear witness to what must be very stressful, private moments and it brings up the entire questions of a relationship built on what I might call "inappropriacies." Should I say something to him? ~ Bothered

Some people feel the need to show their, and their loved ones’, wounds. (I’ve seen more gross appendectomy scars than I can count.) But that doesn’t mean you have to look. Personally, I’d be touched by your neighbor’s efforts to cope with his pain – but if it bothers you, just hit that delete button. ~ Gina

Group emails have become the norm. And it’s a convenience. But I agree it has led some people to bring close personal details into the brilliant light of common discussion. Everyone has a different tolerance and need for closeness and details. And I do sometimes wonder if our technology has given us too much ease and enabled us all to forget individual needs. All that being said, I agree with Gina- if you don’t want to receive the emails – and you don’t feel comfortable asking your friend to take you off the list, then hit delete; the other gift of technology. ~ Alisa

Intimate Details

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Sometimes when I’m with a group of close women friends the subject of sex comes up. I’m not the kiss and tell type. I consider my sex life private and don’t want to discuss it with my friends. However, several of them openly discuss all sorts of things, from frequency to experiences. Uggh. I like my friends but I don’t like it when the conversation ventures in that direction. They call me a prude because I don’t participate. Should I say something when this happens, or just wait for the conversation to veer elsewhere? – Privately Prudish

Excuse yourself, then leave for a few minutes. Come back flushed and disheveled. This will either give them something new to talk about, or silence the whole lot. ~ Gina

I guess it depends on how uncomfortable this makes you — do you mind listening? Do you just feel uncomfortable contributing? How often do you get caught in this discussion? Speak up for yourself. Tell them your limits and be clear (and not angry, whiny, spiteful or judgmental) about your expectations for future conversations. And then be willing to stick to what you said. ~ Alisa

Taxi Fair

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I recently moved to an apartment that’s about 40 blocks from work. Occasionally, when I work late, I take a taxi home. A co-worker who’s also sort of a work friend, lives along the way. When we both work late, she seems to go out of her way to try to leave with me so that we can share the cab. The problem is she doesn’t think she has an obligation to pay for any of the fare. She’s told me that, since I’m going her way anyway, it doesn’t cost any more to drop her off.

I feel taken advantage of, but I’m not sure why. Technically she’s right, It doesn’t really cost more to stop the cab for 10 seconds to drop her off. But sometimes when there’s traffic, the cab driver can’t choose a different route because we have to drop her off. And truthfully, if I’m paying the way, I’d like the cab to myself occasionally.

So what do you think? Am I being small minded? Should I bite the bullet and just let her come along? Or should I insist that she pay and risk our work relationship? I’m very interested in your opinion. — Taken for a Ride

I think this is bugging you because you would never, ever do that to someone. So you can’t understand why someone thinks it’s O.K. to do to you. And yes, she’s technically right — it doesn’t cost more to drop her off along the way. And yes, you’re right; since you’re paying you’re entitled to have the cab to yourself. And yes, it’s better for the environment to share the cab. Oh man, this is complicated. So since there’s no right or wrong, just tell her that if you’re going to share the cab you want to share the fare. Relationships are about give and take. She’s got the take part down perfectly. Wake her up to the giving aspect.~ Gina

Gina is right about relationships — but the part you need to focus on right now is what you want. So what do you want? Is it more important to get the money or have a good friend at work? Is time alone something that’s really important to you? Figure it out and then have a conversation — early in the day, not when you’re about to leave work. Tell your friend what you need. Perhaps something like, sometimes I just need some time alone after a long day at work. Propose a solution or ask her to help you come up with something. Things are rarely black and white — so find out what she’s thinking, too. ~ Alisa

There is Superstitious Writing

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I occasionally receive forwarded emails from a dear friend. Often these messages contain all sorts of supportive, inspiring messages. But they also include warnings at the end that threaten dire events if I fail to forward them onto to five, 10 or 15 other friends. It’s nice to hear from my friend but I feel uncomfortable with the overall message. What should I do? ~ Spooked

Strange as this may sound to you, your friend may actually not be that aware of the totality of the message as it impacts you. Sometimes people just get into a forwarding frenzy. So you need to let your friend know how you feel. You can do this in a kind way. However, if it continues to happen then you may need to make your response stronger. ~Alisa

This is why the keyboard has a delete button. Use it often and well. ~ Gina

Should I Say or Should I Go?

Dear Alisa and Gina ~

I have an ex-childhood friend who I cut ties with over a year ago (after several years of dealing with her codependency, passive aggressiveness, dishonesty, spitefulness). I have moved on from a life that used to be filled with drama, to a home with a man I love, whom I am about to marry (and whom she tried to "chase off" like the last three men in my life before him). To put it lightly, after years of problems, things did not end well between us.

Three days ago I received a distraught voice message from her-crying hysterically, asking my forgiveness, saying she's "all alone" (which I take to mean that her awful boyfriend finally broke up with her.). I have zero desire to contact her in return. Our friendship is over and I want it to stay that way.

However, I have some great memories with this girl that are tugging at my heart, and am concerned about her mental stability. Since I've known her and her family my whole life, would it be inappropriate for me to contact her parents and let them know that I am very concerned about her? I just don't want to sit back and do nothing, only to find out she did something harmful to herself.

Help me! I don't know what to do. ~ Co-Dependent No More

Speaking from a nearly identical experience (I can't believe you know her too!) I did contact my friend's mother to say I was concerned. And her mother thanked me - and asked me not to leave her daughter's life (which I did anyway because of almost all the reasons you mentioned.)

So, yes, you can say you're concerned for your friend. It's a kind and caring thing to do, and might just be the wake-up call they need. And it might help her get the help she needs. Just be prepared. If it gets back to her - your friend might be very angry. And her parents might thank you, or might blame you for being part of the problem for abandoning her (which you did not do but sometimes things get twisted.) Good luck. Write back and let us know what you decide. ~ Gina

It’s OK to protect yourself from toxic people and relationships. Your warmth and consideration shine through. And your solution is a very good one. ~ Alisa

Messy Situation

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a friend who is always asking me to refer people to her. Then when I do, she complains about them.

Recently she started using the housekeeper I recommended to her. Now whenever I see my friend she tells me what a bad job the woman is doing, that she charges too much, doesn’t clean thoroughly, etc. I swear she mentions it virtually every time we’re together.

By the way, the same person works in my home and does a great job. (Personally, I think she can’t do a good job in my friend’s home because her children are slobs, nothing is ever put away. In other words it’s almost impossible to get her house clean.)

I feel bad for the woman I referred. I know she needs the work and probably feels obliged to me since I got her the job. My question is, should I say something to my friend about her complaints, and something to the cleaning woman? I was trying to help and now I feel like I just created a bad situation. - In a Bind

Since your friend brings the topic up often you won’t have to wait long to speak up. You might start off with some questions: What does your friend want done? Does she ever give the housekeeper a list? Does she discuss what’s most important? Has she ever specifically asked her to do something that wasn’t done? What does she imagine a housekeeper can do? By asking these questions in a pleasant and sincerely curious manner you might get your friend to think about her needs in a different way. And because you’re asking questions, you’re not telling her what to do or say. If the complaint sessions continue, you might need to move from getting her to see her own issues and move on to your own: “You’ve told me this before. I don’t have the same experience.” ~ Alisa

The next time your friend asks you for a referral, tell her that you’ll give her one, but first she has to sign a waiver absolving you of all responsibility. She cannot complain about price, quality, or work ethics. If she does, cut her off. ~ Gina

Friendshifts

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I am recently out of an almost 3 year, intense relationship in which my boyfriend became most of my life. Not only did we share all of our time and money, but we ended up bridging our circle of friends to create a group of mutual friends. Since I’ve ended the relationship, I’ve found myself caught in the middle of more difficulties. Now, my ex is constantly hanging out with our mutual friends and badmouthing me to them and vice versa. Almost all of my friends have expressed the desire to remain unbiased and uninvolved, It bothers me that they cannot see that I am being treated extremely unfairly and slandered to my mutual friends. If they really wanted to stay out of it, why wouldn't they tell my ex to not mention it at all? As hard as the break up was, it's even harder to have to share our mutual friends. I don't want to walk away from my close friendships that have lasted much longer than this relationship and I don't want to make them choose sides, but when it is apparent that my ex is treating my unfairly and lashing out at me (verbally) in front of my friends, I feel they should have the guts and the loyalty to stand up for what is clearly right. Should I be upset that they are not standing up for me when it's clear that he is mistreating me and slandering me? Should I confront my friends? Should I walk away from these friends? Or should I just try to keep our lives separate and see my friends when I know my ex won't be around? Should I just look past their seemingly lack of loyalty? ~ Help!

  

You are in a very difficult situation – and it sounds like you don’t have anywhere to turn for relief.  The only certain and strong place has got to be within you. And that’s hard when your circle of connections is so compromised. From what you say many of your friends are not 100% there to support you as you need to be supported now. And yes, I think you should speak up and simply tell your friends what you need. Be specific and be clear and talk about today, not last week or last year. Best to you. ~ Alisa

Your friends will not put up with ex-boyfriend's bad behavior for long. His sour grapes are showing, which is going to leave a bad taste in their mouths - and make them wonder what he says about them behind their backs. Just hang in there, see your friends when your ex won't be around, and let them sort out their loyalty. Don't be too hard on them - they're probably confused at the moment and trying to figure out what to do themselves. Take it day by day and all will be well. ~ Gina

Friends in High Places

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have an old friend who is sort of famous, not rock star or Hollywood famous, but easily recognized. I have another newer friend who would really, really like to meet this friend - to talk about who knows what. Getting work, getting an autograph. I don’t want to know. But I know she hounds me all the time about meeting my famous friend. I feel very uncomfortable about inviting the second friend to a party or anything where the famous friend is going to be. But they’re both good friends of mine. And now, with a special occasion (my son’s bar mitzvah) coming up - I’d really like to invite both friends - but I’m afraid non-famous friend will end up bothering famous friend. Any suggestions? ~ Friend of Semi-Famous

Tell non-famous friend that you will have a bodyguard ready to shoot a tranquilizer dart at her if she comes within 50 feet of famous friend. Then make her sign a waiver absolving you of all liabilities and promising not to approach famous friend. If she won’t sign, don’t invite her. On second thought, just don’t invite her - if she’s that pushy you don’t need her there. It will be one less thing to worry about. ~ Gina

It’s time to speak up clearly about what your concerns are. If you haven’t ever mentioned how much your new friend’s attitude to your “famous” friend bothers you this would be your time. Your situation is not uncommon, mostly we try to avoid conversations that might be uncomfortable by ignoring the ongoing discomfort we feel at what is already happening. Your family’s big celebration is your time – and in order to prepare for that event, you need to make your needs clear. ~Alisa

Help Wanted

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I am looking for a job – and I am struggling about asking one friend in particular for an introduction to his company. Our relationship has largely been social and though we talk about work, there has never been any deep interest in what I do precisely and what I’m looking for. Now that I’ve been let go, I feel a greater sense of urgency. I’m a little annoyed he’s never offered, since he’s known about my situation practically the whole time I have. How do I ask for help – or should I even try? - Searching for a Situation

It’s hard when dear friends and family can’t read our minds and offer the help we dream of. But that’s sort of a fairy tale. I suggest that you get very specific about what you are looking for, do some research about who might be able to make an introduction for you, and then go talk with everyone you know. It’s unlikely that the first person will be able to make one introduction that will be perfect, but you may just be surprised at the number of interesting people you will meet. ~ Alisa

 I agree with Alisa. How about a simple e-mail that says, “Are there any openings for positions in your company that you think would be right for me. Or, can you suggest someone in your company, or elsewhere, to whom I can speak or send a résumé?” Simple, direct, and the worst thing he can say is no. But, I bet he’ll come up with a few suggestions anyway.~ Gina

Parent Trap

Dear Alisa and Gina ~

My friend recently told me that her husband is really worried about his parents who still live alone in their home (on the other coast) despite an array of health issues and the fact that they are in their 90s. The parents stubbornly refuse help and refuse to move to assisted living or closer to family. My friend’s husband is periodically resigned to whatever may befall them and occasionally really torn up and involved. His latest period of involvement and concern had him worrying aloud that he and his wife may have to move cross-country to move in and care for the aging couple. While this move would be unwelcome to all parties concerned, I really don’t know what to say when I hear my friend’s story. Should I encourage her to speak up – should I encourage her to seek professional assistance for her spouse, his parents or herself? Or should I just stay out of it? ~ Concerned

Don’t stay out of it - but don’t offer advice. Just listen. It sounds like she needs your ear. ~ Gina

Here’s a suggestion, ask your friend what kind of response she would like. Often we carry around this question of what should I say when it can so easily be handled by a simple inquiry: such as  “how can I help you the most?”  I know most of us weren’t raised to respond in so direct a manner, but it is helpful to your friend to move away from worries and fears into concrete action. ~Alisa

Declaration of Independence

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My oldest friend (of 48 years and I'm still 48) has stage-4 breast cancer that has spread to her spine. Two weeks before she was  diagnosed she decided to be independent of her husband of 14 years. She recently had an argument with her father as well. Her financial means are slim and none. She has already asked me for financial help  and I still have questions about why she's choosing to be independent of her husband of 14 years right now. Conundrum? ~ Please help.

I have more questions than I do answers. This is a very complex and emotionally charged situation. So I suggest you sit with these questions and with your answers before you make your decision.

1) What kind of relationship do you want to have with your friend? This is the most important place to start – and to have one or many conversations with her about what you are able to do and what she might want from you as her health situation unfolds.

2) Are you willing /able to help your friend financially at all? If so, be very clear and specific about those limitations with her and with yourself. 

3) Do you have other mutual friends? If so, perhaps you can help her with creating a web of support so she is not isolated and so that you don’t feel guilty or burdened.

When you have answers or some clarity on these issues – then have  a conversation – and be brave.~ Alisa

I'm very sorry about your friend. This must be difficult for you. However, I’m going to be brutally honest – because I speak from experience. Helping your friend now might be a band-aid, but it’s just going to enable her to temporarily skirt the deeper wounds of her marriage problems and her illness. If you give your friend money you could be helping her to stay independent for a while – but then what? You’ll have to either continue helping her indefinitely, or cut her off at some point –  perhaps when she’s more ill than now. And you’ll feel terrible. Offer her a shoulder, not your wallet. ~ Gina

Minding Your Manners

Dear Alisa and Gina,

 I have a friend who always makes fun of my manners. They’re not perfect, but I was raised to put my napkin in my lap, set the table a certain way, and wait until everyone is served before eating. Oh, and I always stand up when someone new comes into the room. My friend thinks I’m a snob. I think it’s just polite. Should I say something - and if so, what? - Miss Manners

Flip her the bird…discreetly of course, as your mother would want you to. ~ Gina

If you are doing what makes you comfortable, then keep on doing it. I think having good manners and being polite need not be synonymous with failing to make your needs known. If your friend actually says something to you – or makes you uncomfortable then you have two choices: tell her that her behavior hurts or angers you or write it off to her own upbringing and leave it behind. Most importantly, don’t waste your energy carrying it around. ~Alisa

Minding Your Neighbors’ Bin-ness

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I’m very happy that people seem to be getting more and more conscious about how their actions impact the environment. In my town we recycle bottles, cans, and paper. The rules are very strict about what you can and can’t put in the bins And I’m very diligent about minding them.

But, I have a neighbor with whom I am fairly good friends. She consistently recycles incorrectly, putting aluminum foil, hangers, light bulbs, mirrors, etc. in with her bottles and cans. I want to correct her, but not sure if it’s my place. I feel like a bad citizen if I don’t say something, and a bad, nagging friend if I do. Any ideas on how to handle this? ~ Randi Recycler

Let it be. One day the authorities will come to her door and drag her away and she will be recycled into Martha Stewart. In the meantime, stop looking at her trash. ~ Gina

I agree with Gina. Sometimes, often in fact, we feel the need to say whatever strikes us as important. But really it’s not necessary. I try to follow the same guidelines with adults that I learned as a parent – pick your battles. Is safety an issue? Is it necessary? Is this the right time? If not, smile, say hello and take care of your own business. ~Alisa

Small Salad and a Glass of Water

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Every few months I get together with some women friends for dinner.  We have been doing this for years. There are a few restaurants that we choose from to go to which are all casual and reasonably priced. We always split the bill up evenly among us and that has always seemed to work.

Recently we went to dinner at one of our regular places and the prices had gone up which was not surprising, I sat next to one woman who was very preoccupied by the prices on the menu and seemed to be making her choices based on what items were the least expensive.

When the bill came we split it up like we usually do, and she began making comments about how her meal couldn't possibly have cost that much. She was not directing her comments directly at any one of us, just kind of mumbling, but a few of us heard it. We could see that she was clearly annoyed. This has never happened before.  It seems kind of petty to ask for 7 or 8 separate checks but I am not sure what else to do.  Any ideas?  Thanks. ~ Just wondering

This economy is really bumming out a lot of people - and no wonder. Well, you could bring a calculator and offer to figure out each person’s total. (Which is like a total pain.) But it’s really up to the person who’s mumbling to stop mumbling and start speaking up for herself. If you’re good friends with her why not encourage her to do so? Or suggest a potluck for next time. As they say in England, it’s cheap and cheerful. (I have a great chili recipe you could have.) ~ Gina

If you’re going to change your approach to a situation that you’ve participated in before, you need to be clear with everyone about what’s changed. It sounds like your friend had a new story about her financial situation and her willingness to split expenses, but she didn’t come out and just let everyone know where she is. The best thing you can do as a friend is to let her know it’s ok to speak up, and it's necessary too. ~ Alisa

Not in the Money

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a friend who worries about money a lot. These days it’s hard to get together without the conversation turning to the economy and her fears. I understand why – but her fear is really becoming… well boring. And it’s exhausting as well.  I don’t want to snap at her, I’d like to be a good friend but I’m not sure how to speak up. What do you think? ~ Weary

These are volatile times. Many people don’t have a clue how to face the level of uncertainty that we have. And some people don’t like to call attention to what’s good in their lives; maybe they’re fearful of getting the “gods” angry. Your friend might profit from hearing another approach to the turmoil she’s feeling. I agree with you that being around scared and negative people can have a crippling effect on your own energy. Worry doesn’t help you plan for or manage whatever comes next. What helps is being connected to other people, having energy and hope. ~ Alisa

I think your friend needs something good to look forward to. So give her a jar that’s covered with paper or fabric so she can’t see inside. Tell her that every time she feels worried she has to put a dollar in it. The catch is she can’t open it for a year. At the end of the year she gets to open the jar and do something fun with the money. If she worries as much as you say, she’s going to Disneyland! ~ Gina

 

True Colors

Dear Alisa and Gina ~

I have a friend who must have assumed that I would be voting the same way as she did in the presidential election.  We had not discussed it because I have not seen her in a while.
She sent me some e-mails with jokes that I considered nasty and offensive about the candidate that I actually did vote for.  I was annoyed because I thought the e-mails were hateful and surprised that she would think I am the type of person who would appreciate this kind of thing.
I did not say anything because I figured this would stop. However, the election is over and today I got another e-mail from her that is offensive to me. Even if I had not voted the way I did, I find this very disrespectful and subtly racist.  She has been a good friend to me in the past so I do not want to end our friendship but I want to let her know that I do not appreciate these messages.

How should I handle this? ~ Shocked in New Jersey

It sounds to me like you are ready to speak up. By holding back your true reactions to the e-mails you’ve continued to get them. And you’ve also learned something about a friend that makes you uncomfortable. Are you concerned that speaking up might compromise your friendship? If so, who is more important to you – the other person, or yourself?  ~ Alisa

It’s always hard when someone who we consider a friend reveals her underbelly - and it doesn't jibe with our conscience. Do you still really want to be friends with someone who you consider racist? If not - reply to her latest e-mail with a note that says that you don't have much in common anymore. But, if as you say, you want to preserve the friendship then you'll have to look the other way. ~ Gina

Noxious Neighbor

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a neighbor across the street. She never phones; she just comes over at all hours, 10 p.m., etc. She pours her heart out, “I’m leaving my husband and kids…” or the next night she’ll say, “I’m not leaving them.” She expects advice each time. I feel like I’m at an emotional tennis match. How do I handle her coming unannounced? How do I handle the requests for advice? By the way, months can go by when I don’t see her at all and then suddenly, constant contact. ~ Worn Out

It sounds like you’re trying to be a good friend, being available and listening. Sometimes you need to assert your boundaries. You could say at another time that you need warning before a visit or that you can’t talk after 10 p.m. or even that you don’t want to hear some of what you’re being told. Perhaps you might want to suggest professional help for your neighbor? What’s important here is that you hold onto your “self” in the waves of emotion that come at you. ~ Alisa

How about a “Not Welcome” mat? ~ Gina

Estranged Bedfellows

Dear Gina and Alisa:
A very dear friend and I have extremely different views on the upcoming election--candidates and issues. She knows I'm not always on her page politically, but we haven't really talked lately about the current climate.

Over the past several weeks, she has sent me emails "endorsing" her cause, asking if "I'm with her" and other like missives.

I have been deleting the emails, and not saying anything, but should I ask her kindly not to send me any more political emails? I believe she might be offended, so I've just kept quiet, which I think is the way to go. What do you think? ~ Trying to Stay Neutral in the South

It sounds like you don’t want to get into the fray. (And my guess is that she’s probably sending out those e-mails to lots of people.) You could just consider it junk mail and keep hitting the delete button. Or send a reply email with “Please unsubscribe” in the subject line. ~ Gina

I guess the real question is what’s more important to you: your beliefs or offending a friend who knows you so little that she includes you in a mass email (or perhaps she wants to change you without actually confronting you)? This is only a question that you can answer but I would offer that if it keeps coming up for you when you receive her emails, there is something that is not sitting well with you. That’s what you need to speak about. ~ Alisa

Don’t Get Snippy

Dear Alisa and Gina,
A friend of mine has two children and is pressuring her husband for a third child. And this is after she demanded he get a vasectomy - which he did. She has asked me how I feel about it, all the while leading me towards the answer she would like to hear. Even though I don’t agree that he should be forced under the knife yet again for a reversal procedure, I have tried to skirt the issue, but she continues to ask me what I think. Should I say something? - Under Pressure

Yes. Tell her to get a puppy. It’s as cute as a baby and she won’t have to send it to college. ~ Gina

Your friend has put you in a difficult place. And she's done that to her husband and probably herself. I wonder what other decisions may have been made through the application of pressure? You could ask her about her decision making or that she consider how her behavior impacts other people who care about her. Or you could just stick to what's personal for you - how you feel about the topic. That may just be enough for the conversation to change. ~ Alisa