Growing Up is Hard to Do

Dear Gina and Alisa,

My older daughter (26 today) has not talked with her dad face-to-face for almost a year. They have become estranged after he began to direct his anger and criticism towards her starting when he went through a divorce from his second wife. My daughter called off her engagement last summer, and her younger sister completed her bachelor's degree, which my older daughter has not yet completed. Much of his very loud verbal conflict with her was over her "failures" in her relationship(?!) and as a student. He did criminal background checks of men she dated following her break-up and even called her a "slut". He works for the court system and so has some "inside tracks" but looked up the wrong person. She has tried several times to engage him in some constructive "meeting of the minds", but the way he has spoken to her in letters, on the phone and in text messages has been abusive - he has said things no father should ever say to a daughter. He read a letter to me that he wrote to her thinking I would be supportive but I was stunned and told him so. He did not seem to realize how inappropriate he was, and was surprised by my reaction.

He did not acknowledge her birthday today. He has a strong need to be in conflict with someone, has "cast out" several family members and close friends after various conflicts or disagreements, has a strong family history of bipolar disorder, and smokes marijuana heavily on a daily basis. My daughter has always had a strong need for his approval, and she has been struggling with all this but has strong ties with family and friends, as well as a new BF who is very kind. She is depressed but pretty resilient.

He is no longer speaking to me because I signed over her partially used trust for college to her before it expired last December (a few thousand dollars) He believes my daughter and I "conspired" to steal "thousands of dollars" from him, even though I called him before I signed it over and we had similar concerns that I shared with my daughter before I signed it over. It never occurred to me that this was his or my money to take back. Worst of all, he is now openly favoring our younger daughter and creating divisiveness and conflict between them. My urge is to protect them both from him, but I can't. She can't afford counseling right now because she doesn't have health insurance. What is the best way to help her? Thank you for your suggestions. ~ Mom Forever

Stop talking with your ex-husband. Don’t read his letters to his daughters. It’s time to remove yourself from the relationship, and tell your daughter to detach with love. ~Gina

I don’t think we ever grow out of wanting to protect our children, and of course there will always be people and situations that we can’t prevent them from having to experience. From what you say your daughter’s father has a history of medical/psychological issues. Difficult as it may be, he can’t really be expected to behave as a healthy adult might. Perhaps it might be useful to consult with your own medical practitioner to learn more clearly what behavior is reasonable/typical to expect from someone with his condition? This might serve as a springboard for you to determine how much contact and what kind of contact you decide to have with him in the future and it will be a good place to start a conversation with your daughter. It takes two to have a relationship and if as Gina says you model how to not engage that may just be the best parenting possible. ~Alisa