Not Home Sweet Nursing Home

Dear Alisa and Gina,

At my mom’s nursing home there are a number of staff members who aren’t always courteous to the residents. Sometimes residents are ignored, and other times I’ve seen downright nastiness. I’m afraid if I complain there will be consequences for my mother or other residents. Any suggestions? ~ Worried

Nastiness is completely unacceptable, and fear should not rule your response. If you witness an incident, speak immediately to the head administrator, the social workers and the heads of the Family Council (many nursing homes have them). Let the administrators know how you feel and what you’ve seen — and request that training be implemented to try to change behaviors.

In addition — get more involved. Join the Family Council (if there is one) or form one if there isn’t. Go out of your way to engage with the staff members who engage directly with your family member — and encourage others to do the same.

Even though bad behavior is not acceptable, it’s also important to remember that many of the people who work at nursing homes are not very well paid, may travel far to their jobs and are doing difficult work. I do believe that if we’re not part of the solution we’re part of the problem, so do what you can to help people feel that their hard work is appreciated. ~ Gina

It’s important to speak up about what’s important to you. And it’s vital that you speak up in a way that enables a solution instead of a defense. So what I like about Gina’s answer are the effective choices she offers. This isn’t telling tales to get someone in trouble, this is about being engaged in creating a solution. Working in a nursing home has got to be really hard. It’s important to respect the people who have that responsibility and to make sure that they have all the support they need in order to treat their charges well. Additionally we all need to take some responsibility for the kind of environment that exists – whether that means being involved with management or the people actually doing the work. ~ Alisa

Too Much Information

Dear Alisa and Gina,

A neighbor of mine who I would consider a casual friend started sharing news of a family trauma with a large email distribution list of “friends,” after his son was in a terrible motorcycle accident. Our friend has been issuing daily (now weekly) updates on the situation, the condition of their son etc. since the accident occurred. These emails have included, more recently pictures of the son in rehab, which will be extensive. Though the communications are less frequent than they once were, they continue to be disturbing. I realize that this communication is a kind of therapy for our neighbor. I do have sympathy for all he is dealing with and I’m glad the son is recovering. Still, I find this a pretty inappropriate amount of sharing, and even somewhat embarrassing. It forces us to bear witness to what must be very stressful, private moments and it brings up the entire questions of a relationship built on what I might call "inappropriacies." Should I say something to him? ~ Bothered

Some people feel the need to show their, and their loved ones’, wounds. (I’ve seen more gross appendectomy scars than I can count.) But that doesn’t mean you have to look. Personally, I’d be touched by your neighbor’s efforts to cope with his pain – but if it bothers you, just hit that delete button. ~ Gina

Group emails have become the norm. And it’s a convenience. But I agree it has led some people to bring close personal details into the brilliant light of common discussion. Everyone has a different tolerance and need for closeness and details. And I do sometimes wonder if our technology has given us too much ease and enabled us all to forget individual needs. All that being said, I agree with Gina- if you don’t want to receive the emails – and you don’t feel comfortable asking your friend to take you off the list, then hit delete; the other gift of technology. ~ Alisa

Feet off the Seat

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I’m been meaning to write about this for a while because it happens all the time. I get on the commuter train, and someone is using the opposite seat as a foot rest. How unbelievably rude. Not to mention unsanitary. I’d ask them to move their feet so I could sit down (it seems it’s always a choice seat) but the idea of sitting where their feet were is disgusting to me. Don’t these people realize that their behavior is rude? Why don’t the conductors say something to them? Or what about an announcement – or a sign? I’d say something but I don’t want to have a confrontation. Any suggestions? ~ Unseated

In this particular instance your aversion to a confrontation is probably wise. I suggest you find the conductor and ask him/her to speak to the passenger. That’s their job and they are trained on how to address passengers on this type of topic. What I would also suggest is that you remember you are asking the conductor to do you a favor, so how you ask for assistance will probably have some influence on how readily it’s offered. ~Alisa

Carry wipes. Say excuse me. Wipe the seat. Sit down. ~ Gina

Fishing for Compliments

Dear Alisa and Gina,

With the pervasive power of social networking tools I am connected with lots of people I haven’t actually worked with in some time. This is great but it also has some challenges."

I just received a request to write a recommendation for someone I worked with 20 years ago. I'm not in the same field and I haven't been for a long time, so I feel like I can't comment on anything like her current work or business. Should I reply and tell her what's holding me back? Should I ignore this request? I'm really at a loss. ~ Not a big fan

I think you should tell your colleague what your concerns are. What online requests have done is make everything less personal. More than likely the request to you went to dozens of people at one time. By reaching out with a personal touch, you have the potential to help your friend even more. ~Alisa

Send her this: “Can you believe it’s been 20 years since we worked together? Now that I think of it, it would be better if you get someone who can write a more up-to-date recommendation – it would have more credibility.” ~ Gina

The Ick Factor

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My cleaning lady comes in while I am at work. While she was there the other day (and I was 25 miles away) I remembered that I had left a kind of gross personal thing in the bathroom (I’ll leave it to everyone’s imagination — but it’s probably not what you think.) Anyway, I’m sort of mortified. Should I apologize or just let it go? ~ Embarrassed

I’ll tell you what I think if you tell me what it was. ~ Gina

Put yourself in your cleaning person’s shoes. Imagine how many households she’s been in — and imagine what she’s seen. I suggest you leave it alone. And, in the future, do what so many people do, clean up for the cleaning person. ~ Alisa

Smooth Operator

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I called the phone company operator today because I couldn’t get through to the number I was calling. The operator couldn’t have been ruder. She acted like I was annoying her. She interrupted me, and implied I was an idiot because I didn’t understand why the number I dialed (in my own town) required that I dial the area code. I stayed calm, but she could tell I was annoyed.

I felt angry and embarrassed. I never asked for her name. Should I call the phone company and report her (though I’m not sure how much good that would do; I thought of asking her for her name, but I’m pretty sure she would have given me a fake name), or is this just a lesson for the next time? ~ My ears are ringing

Yes, you should report her. Even if you don’t know exactly who she is, the team might get a lesson on how to talk to customers. And you’ll feel better. (P.S. Next time, get the name first). ~ Gina

I think that you can follow Gina’s advice – but there’s also a great opportunity here to get another piece of learning. This isn’t just about speaking up to be treated in a considerate manner. Your experience can also give you a momentary insight into the difficulties others face. Can you imagine what it must be like to be the person who only receives difficult phone calls all day long? I’m sure that your rude operator never hears anything nice. Now you might say that’s because she deserves it, but it could also be that it’s the position she holds. So yes, speak up for yourself. And also, consider what the other person’s life contains as well. ~ Alisa

Rough Rough

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My boyfriend wants his parents to meet me. This is a big step for us and I’m really looking forward to it. The only problem is I have a dog whose name is Fred and my boyfriend’s father’s name is also Fred. I’m afraid his dad might be insulted. What’s your advice? - I Know This Sounds like a Sitcom

Start calling your dog Fido immediately. He’ll never know the difference. ~ Gina

This is just the first of many opportunities you’re going to have to let your boyfriends parents get to know you. I say, tell it like it is. Let the Freds meet openly. ~Alisa