All in the Family

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Two years ago I received an urgent babysitting request from my son. My daughter-in-law had been hospitalized because of an eye disorder and I drove my grandson to school for five months until she could see out of that eye.

The eye incident occurred at the time her parents moved five states away for no real reason. She and her two sisters in NJ were very upset about the move. Around that time, I heard the term "MS" used by my son and his wife once.

Every few months, I babysit so that my son and daughter-in-law can attend her regularly scheduled visit with a neurologist. Then I recently saw at their house a prescription for a medication that I know is related to MS. Then it disappeared.

We don’t talk about these details at all and the difficulty stems from the fact that I am of a different race and religion from my daughter-in-law and she and my son (now in the same religion as his wife) prefer to confide in her family and not in me. I understand that adherents to their fundamentalist religion do not speak their troubles out loud.

So here's my question: can I ask her if she has MS and how she is progressing, and if she would consider an alternative treatment I researched for a friend with MS? Or do I ask my son about whether I can talk to her?

How do I deal here? – Concerned Mother-in-Law

It sounds like you are very close to your grandchildren, your son and your daughter-in-law despite what sounds like a very large difference in beliefs. You are trying to figure out what to say and do based on limited information. I think you need to speak up and you need to be clear about what you’re speaking up about. Is it just about the alternative therapy? Or would you like to ask a larger question, which is: what can we talk about? Or, how can I show that I care? I suggest you write down a list of all of your questions and then pick the top two or three. Address these questions to both of them together. See what kind of conversation you can begin to have. ~ Alisa

You can ask anything you want. They certainly ask things of you. You may not get the answer you want, or any answer at all. You may be considered helpful and caring. Or you may be perceived as prying. There’s no telling what the reaction will be – but I think you already know that. So start off by saying, “I’d like to ask you a few things, and if they’re none of my business tell me, and my feelings won’t be hurt.” And make sure you mean it. ~ Gina