The New Boyfriend

Dear Alisa and Gina,

As I am driving my 15-year-old daughter and her best friend to a singing rehearsal the other night, the best friend pipes up: “Oh, look, there’s Joann and her new boyfriend.” My daughter replies, “I didn’t know she had a new boyfriend.” “Yes, and this is on the QT, he’s 22!" Joann is my daughter’s age. While they are not as close as they were in middle school, she is still part of my daughter’s circle. Alarm bells are going off in my head. I say out loud,” What kind of a sicko 22-year-old is dating a fifteen year old? Does Joann have any idea that it is illegal?”

“Mom, do NOT tell her mother.” My daughter’s best friend says nothing. I don’t know Joann’s parents very well, but enough that we bump into each other at certain public events. We have made small talk when we have picked up each other’s daughters after sleepovers. Joann’s father has a prestigious job in the community.

I know that my daughter and her best friend will suffer big time if I tell. And Joann is playing with fire. I even fantasized about sending an anonymous note mailed out of state. BUT should I say something? ~ Freaked out Mom

I think this is one for a school counselor – or school psychologist – who might have a better handle on how to deal with these things. It could be innocent, or it could be a very sticky situation that could have tough consequences whatever way it goes. I know I’m not qualified to answer it. ~ Gina

So this is a difficult situation – and I’m not sure I have the one answer – as Gina says there are people who are professionally far more qualified then we are in this area. Hare some things you might ask yourself:

1. If this situation were about your daughter – would you want someone you didn’t know very well to tell you?
2. If it weren’t you “risking” the ire of your daughter and perhaps compromising her current friendships, what would your advice be?
3. If you don’t feel up to speaking up to the parents in question – do you know someone who might be?

Let us know what happens. ~ Alisa