Declaration of Independence

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My oldest friend (of 48 years and I'm still 48) has stage-4 breast cancer that has spread to her spine. Two weeks before she was  diagnosed she decided to be independent of her husband of 14 years. She recently had an argument with her father as well. Her financial means are slim and none. She has already asked me for financial help  and I still have questions about why she's choosing to be independent of her husband of 14 years right now. Conundrum? ~ Please help.

I have more questions than I do answers. This is a very complex and emotionally charged situation. So I suggest you sit with these questions and with your answers before you make your decision.

1) What kind of relationship do you want to have with your friend? This is the most important place to start – and to have one or many conversations with her about what you are able to do and what she might want from you as her health situation unfolds.

2) Are you willing /able to help your friend financially at all? If so, be very clear and specific about those limitations with her and with yourself. 

3) Do you have other mutual friends? If so, perhaps you can help her with creating a web of support so she is not isolated and so that you don’t feel guilty or burdened.

When you have answers or some clarity on these issues – then have  a conversation – and be brave.~ Alisa

I'm very sorry about your friend. This must be difficult for you. However, I’m going to be brutally honest – because I speak from experience. Helping your friend now might be a band-aid, but it’s just going to enable her to temporarily skirt the deeper wounds of her marriage problems and her illness. If you give your friend money you could be helping her to stay independent for a while – but then what? You’ll have to either continue helping her indefinitely, or cut her off at some point –  perhaps when she’s more ill than now. And you’ll feel terrible. Offer her a shoulder, not your wallet. ~ Gina