Waking Moments

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My parents, who are in their eighties, openly talk about their funeral plans. They discuss the music they want, who should eulogize them, the kind of flowers they prefer. I can’t tell you how many conversations include the words, “When I die…”

It’s depressing and upsetting - but when I ask them not to they just say something cliché like, “well we’re not going to live forever.” Duh! I guess my question is not, “should I say something?” because I tried saying something and it didn’t work. But when they start this kind of talk, should I leave? I don’t want to upset them, but I’m tired of listening to this. ~ Upset

Before you walk away, I wonder if you could be clearer about why their talk upsets you so much. Most families I’ve met err in the direction of too little conversation, not too much. So there may be something about the way they talk about their plans that’s causing your reaction. Or there may be something missing in you that keeps you from meeting them “where they are.” I suggest that you have a conversation with them, You could start by asking them what motivates them to plan this out (they may be reacting to something they experienced) and then you might bring up your own feelings and see if they have some advice for you. It strikes me as very possible that your parents are giving you a great gift – a chance to know them more deeply than many children get. ~ Alisa

Your parents are way cool. They’re doing the dirty work so you can focus on the party. Could they adopt me? ~ Gina