Out of (Pot) Luck

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have been getting together for dinner on a regular basis for more than 10 years with a close-knit group of friends. (We know each other from college.)

 We usually all pitch in and contribute something to the meal. But there’s one person who always forgets. (It’s always the same person.) So we’re often without a salad, or a dessert, or wine, or something.

Though we love this woman - she’s one of us - we feel that she’s sending a message to us by “forgetting” to contribute. It’s not that she doesn’t have the money - (you should see her shoes and her purses.) Should we say something? Stop inviting her? What do you guys think? ~ Missing a Dish

 What surprises me is, after all these years, you haven’t said something. Let me get this right, for ten years you’ve let this person slide without any comments, snide or useful? I can see why speaking up might seem difficult. But I question the level of friendship that you have if you can’t talk about this habit of hers. Without ganging up on her I think it would be both kind and useful to bring up the issue – perhaps there are other places where she doesn’t show up as fully involved – that might provide a “teaching” moment to you and your friends. If you’re really as close as you say, how can you refrain? ~ Alisa

Next time you see her ask her to loan you $30, plus tell her to bring the wine to the next dinner. (Use the money she gives you to buy a couple of bottles.) If she brings the wine, give her back the $30, and you keep the wine you bought. If she doesn’t bring the wine, keep the $30, tell her you used it to buy the wine, and ask for another $30. Tell her you’re happy to bring her contribution but she has to pay for it. Do it with a big grin on your face. Hopefully she’ll get the message. ~ Gina