You Kiss Your Mama With That Mouth?

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Over the past year I’ve developed a new friendship with a woman in her 60s who owns a local store. She and I have gone out for dinner and we stop in her shop to visit when we’re in the neighborhood. She and my almost 8 year old get along famously. I know that Marge (fictional name) adores my daughter and would never do anything to harm her. My concern is that she uses language around my child that my husband and I have sheltered her from. I believe that hearing these words makes her uncomfortable but I’m also confused about how strictly we still need to adhere to our protective policy. I wouldn’t want to offend Marge – but I also don’t want to hide my concerns. ~ Protective Mom

Well, I'm not sure if I should be the one to talk because if you came over to my house you’d have to wear earplugs. However, I’m of the mind that if you make a big deal out of something it becomes an even bigger deal. Yes, you can gently ask Marge to watch her language – but you also have to remember that your daughter is going to be exposed to that kind of language sooner or later. So wait until your daughter asks you about “those words”  if she even does and tell her that sometimes you can like someone, but not always like the words they choose. It will be a great way for your daughter to learn that relationships aren’t black or white – that you can like someone without liking every single thing about them. Or, you could be like me and my daughter (who’s 19), and share a very colorful vocabulary. ~ Gina

I think this is a great opportunity to speak up to your new friend and express your concern. As you prepare for that conversation, try on the thought that you don’t need to know the right answer or the outcome before you bring up the question. I think we often get caught up in needing to know the outcome before we even speak. Here’s a chance to release yourself from that pressure and to express your true self to a person you care about who cares for you. The standards we raise our kids by need to evolve as they grow. Often we wait until we’re slammed in the head by the fact that we’re holding on to something that is outdated. So this is also a good opportunity for you to investigate this with your daughter. What has she heard? What does she think about it? It may not be a big deal at all, but you’ll never know without asking. ~ Alisa