Being There

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a friend who has been going through a difficult time for the last few months  - and is constantly needy for conversation. I care about her, but every conversation is filled with much anger, and intense emotion and I sometimes say the wrong things and hurt her feelings or make her angrier. I can’t seem to keep my distance and be objective. I don’t want to be a fair-weather friend  - but now I’m just exhausted. It’s gotten to a point that when I see her on the caller ID I sometimes don’t pick up. How do I stay close to her without draining myself. ~ Tired Out

My husband once told me (with a grin) that even when things are bad he only allows himself 15 minutes a day of self-pity. Then he has to get over it and move on. A while back I was going through something difficult, and like your friend, wanted lots of conversation and support day after day after day. Finally, after being very patient with me for days on end, my husband gently said, “Honey, I think your 15 minutes are up.” He was right. I needed to hear that in order to move on.

I think your friend’s 15 minutes are up, too. You might want to find a loving way to tell her that. ~ Gina

When we have a friend who has a need for support, sometimes it can be hard to be sympathetic because we get caught up in the immediacy of their pain, we actually lose perspective on whose pain it is. If you can remember to take stock in the midst of a conversation (by that I mean take a breath and center yourself) you may find it is easier to listen openly and compassionately. Most people in pain need sympathy, not problem solving. And when you find you cannot provide the sympathy, excuse yourself from the conversation as warmly as you can. You might try something along the lines of, “I want to be as supportive as I can, but right now, I’m feeling overwhelmed.” ~ Alisa