Trash Talk

Dear Alisa and Gina,

So, I have this dear friend who is a bit of a pack rat. She is in a place in her life where she is super stressed out and to deal with it she is purging and cleaning up her place. I totally commend her on this but it seems that she has mistaken me as  "goodwill." Normally I would just tell her that I don't need or want the things she gives me, but lately she has taken to giving these things to me at very odd junctures that haven't allowed me to decline. For instance a group of friends met for dinner and she brought along a bag of books for me.... sweet but I had to schlep them home on the bus all to determine they weren't my kinda reads.  Previously she arrived at a July 4th party sporting wine and goodwill gift.  While I was busy greeting other guests I hear her in the background saying "hey I brought you this old plastic napkin holder full of Christmas napkins, I'll just put them in  your napkin drawer." Now she knows that we only use cloth napkins and don't really celebrate Christmas.  Her behavior has somewhat become her M.O. every time we get together. To be honest it is really affecting my wanting to get together with her. Plus now I have a huge pile of her discarded things to take to the real Goodwill.  Any advice on how to approach this? ~ Put Upon

I think you have at least two options. The "easy" way out is to take the things, as you have been doing, but drop them at the first trash can you see on the way home. There's absolutely no reason why her packrat-ness should take over your home!

The other thing you need to do - and I'm guessing about the "need" based on how this has unfolded over the past several months, is to have a conversation. I suggest you make a special date for this conversation. No other distractions, and in a public place. If for some reason she comes with something, you've got the perfect entree into your topic. If she comes empty handed then you just say what you need to say. You'll need to do some planning before the actual meeting to really get at what the core issue is for you. And I think it's really important that you mention that you feel this is affecting your relationship - you want to keep the friendship and your message is coming from a really heartfelt place. You want to support her in her clean up. But your support can only be emotional. You really don't want any more stuff, in fact you're trying to lighten your own storage. ~ Alisa

Say “Thanks, but I’ve taken a cue from you and, guess what, I’m de-cluttering, too!” Then give her this address: www.freecycle.org. She won’t have to physically take anything to Goodwill, and the stuff will go to people who actually want it, and who will come to her house to get it. ~ Gina