Generous to a Fault

Gina and Alisa,

My elderly parents have gotten into a bad situation financially by using credit cards. The main reason they are in this financial situation is that they have supported for years and continue to support my 30-year-old nephew who has a drug problem. I want to help my parents but am tired of giving them money that they, in turn, use to spend (and enable) my nephew. I do not want to see my parents struggle in their golden years but am in a quandary as to the best way to help them. Any ideas? ~ Concerned and Weary

I think this situation will call for more than one conversation. For starters you need to be very clear about what you want to say and how you will back up your words with action. And the most valuable way to start the communication is to express your concerns and feelings openly. Stick with how you are currently experiencing the situation. But also consider what you can and cannot influence. The only thing you can do is change what you do. If you feel strongly that your support is just going directly to your nephew then you have to cut off that support or ensure that it is only for your parents (perhaps arrange for weekly food deliveries to their home?) As our parents age, many of us find we are in a new and sometimes distressing role of "parenting" the parents. No one is really comfortable with this – and it's essential that those feelings be fully experienced and discussed. ~ Alisa

Speaking from personal experience I say stop giving them money - and find out if they’re willing to let you handle their finances for them - if that is in fact something you’d actually like to do. I have other questions. Why are they giving him money? Does he live with them? Are they afraid for him? Or afraid of him? I know there’s probably much more to the story, so it’s hard to answer this completely. Please feel free to write again with more details. You might want to go to Al-Anon (they even have online and telephone meetings) and suggest your parents do the same. It’s a great way to learn how to detach with love. ~ Gina