Bothered and Bewildered

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a friend whom I met as a professional colleague 15 years ago. I have tremendous respect for her skills and knowledge, and after we both left those positions, we remained friends.

A few years ago, the house she was renting burned to the ground and she lost everything. The event devastated and traumatized her. As far as I am concerned, she has never been the same since.

I never would have predicted this turn of events. She has always been quirky, but now I experience her sometimes like fingernails down a blackboard. She repeats herself a lot and doesn’t remember that she’s told you something twice before. Her speech is sometimes slurred, which makes me wonder if she is overdoing it with her anxiety medication.

The problem: when she calls, I find myself gritting my teeth and writhing to get off the phone. She whines and complains continuously. I just can’t take the negativity anymore. ~ Beleaguered

This is going to sound mean, mean, mean, but I’ll say it anyway. Just because someone goes to pieces doesn’t mean you always have to pick her up. I’m not saying you should be a fair-weather friend, but you’re not dealing with clouds here–it’s more like a tsunami. ~ Gina

You are right to follow your physical reaction. If you want to maintain a relationship with your old friend, you may need to voice your concerns about how she tells her story. You don't need to go over all the details of what she said and what she didn't say, but you can bring up how you feel when she complains. You can certainly set some boundaries about when it's ok to call and visit. And it's also ok to express your concerns regarding her medication and her overall wellbeing, but I would try to do it within the context "I'm worried about you" as opposed to "you always..." ~ Alisa