Holidaze

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a cousin in New Jersey who's like a younger sister to me. Over the past 10 years, she's been really nasty to her husband, mother, and kids but always nice to me.

 Last Christmas, I sent all of them gifts and she criticized the gift I got for her son (my 19-year old nephew). It was a fairly expensive "surfer" t-shirt but my cousin said her son would never wear it because he doesn't surf. Then she proceeded to tell me she would just give it away. I, dumbfounded by her rudeness, told her to send it back to me and I'd return it and just give my non-surfing nephew a check. Which she did, and I drove around for an hour trying to find a parking space at the mall so I could return the damn T-shirt.

Last week I bought a puppy and, in my excitement, called to tell her the good news. She proceeded to ask me why I got the dog and tell me what a problem it would be - then criticized me for my choice. I was speechless.

So, now that you have a taste of psycho-cousin, how do I handle the upcoming holidays? I'm afraid that, no matter what I buy, it won't be right for my cousin's critical eye. Do I just send cash to the kids? It seems so impersonal. And my nephew is almost 20 - why is she still choosing his wardrobe (poor kid still lives at home)? ~ Desperate Cousin

Oh dear. She’s gone off the deep end. Too bad you returned the surfer T-shirt - you could have sent it to your cousin this Christmas.

So this holiday give the family whatever you want - and ignore her anticipated criticism. It sounds like there’s just no pleasing her. (Just be grateful you’re not the one who lives with her.) ~ Gina

I agree with Gina, give your nephews and nieces what you want to give them. But I would also suggest that you do not "ignore" your cousin's behavior. If her behavior is so much on your mind and controlling how you make decisions, then you're not ignoring it. So I say, gather yourself together and share your feelings with your cousin. If you don't then you've consigned that relationship to the pile of people you know that you're trying to avoid. ~ Alisa