Caught Between Two Mothers

Dear Alisa and Gina,
My 24-year-old daughter was recently engaged, but had not yet set a date, though she and her fiancé were talking about a year from now or more. My daughter is high-strung and did not want to talk about any planning at that point. I responded by being very supportive and said I would be glad to help her with planning whenever she felt ready. She thanked me for understanding. That was a month ago. Yesterday she called and said that she and her sister along with her former stepmom (with whom I have had a good relationship) went wedding dress shopping and her former stepmom bought her wedding dress for her. I feel very hurt, however, or slighted, or something, though I am not sure why.
I told her I was very happy for her, and that I was anxious to see her dress. Then I asked her if she had set a date, and she had - for August of 2009. As background, her stepmom is still in a turbulent off-again, on-again relationship with my daughter’s dad (my former husband) and I think that this was the stepmother’s way of trying to be sure she stays in my daughter's life.
I need to somehow deal with how I feel so I can get through the next year of planning for this wedding without getting upset and feeling left out. Help! ~ Mother of the Bride

Getting married can be scary. Getting married and having to deal with parents, in-laws, stepparents (and in your daughter’s case, former stepparents) and being high-strung to boot must be overwhelming. Be grateful that your daughter has so many people in her life who love her and are willing to do wonderful things for her - and stop thinking about how you might be getting shortchanged in the process. There will be plenty for you to do - and she will seek you out for help. And if, for some reason she doesn’t - plan on how you will one day shamelessly spoil your future grandchildren behind her back. ~ Gina

I think you raise some really interesting aspects to planning a wedding that we don't always get to focus on. You are noticing your emotional involvement early and this is a good way to prepare for what may be an interesting ride for the next 12 months (and into the future). Planning the wedding and what it brings up isn't just about the actual event; it's also about establishing a new way of relating to your daughter which will build on your past relationship but also include her new family and the next phase of her life with and without you. While Gina suggests you stop thinking about how you might be getting shortchanged I think you might want to investigate it. Is it really about keeping a tally? A bit later on in your question, you say you're anxious to see your daughter's dress. Really, anxious? If so, that might be why she felt comfortable buying it with someone else. Do you have a lot of worries? How do you express those concerns to her? This period of time might be a great opportunity to practice being available and not being attached in a clinging or controlling way. And it's a good time to lay the groundwork for how you want to be with her and her family going forward. ~ Alisa