A Friend in Need

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My best friends from high school are married to each other. “Jeff,” the husband, has ALS and has been bedridden and paralyzed for several years. He is only able to communicate by blinking he has a special computer that allows him to type by blinking his eyes. “Joni,” his wife, and my best friend since age 13, has taken care of him for 20-plus years.

Here’s the situation: Jeff recently opened an email account that Joni doesn’t know about. He emailed me using that account to talk to me about having feelings toward an old girlfriend who recently came to visit him.  I was torn between wanting to give Jeff the chance to “talk” with privacy, and feeling that it would be a betrayal to Joni. If she found out she would be very upset that he had done this. I feel bad for Jeff in his situation, but I also am loyal to Joni. What do you think? – Stuck

Forget the ALS for a moment. It’s clouding your good judgment. I agree that Jeff needs privacy – someone with whom he can communicate his deepest thoughts without fear of being found out. But that’s what a therapist is for – not his wife’s best friend. Suggest to him that he find a counselor who will keep his confidence, and get out of the middle of this. ~ Gina

How difficult to be in the position of having to choose between two old friends – and to walk the difficult line between being a friend to each. I think you need to follow your gut and let Jeff know that you can’t be part of a discussion that is secret from Joni. You really do have to choose whose feelings and needs are primary to you. It can feel disappointing or painful to accept that we can’t be everything to our friends. All we can really decide is to be truthful and clear with ourselves. ~Alisa