Paying the 'rents

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My elderly parents are driving me crazy. They complain that they don’t have money (they live on a limited fixed income) – but when they get some from gifts, or their kids (that is - my sister and me), they spend it unwisely – then end up in desperate circumstances – like not having enough money to get groceries. Talking about it to them gets us nowhere. We’ve even offered to handle their finances – but they rebuff us. Any suggestions? ~ Parenting the Parents

 I recently found out that the supermarket has gift cards. Who knew? So instead of sending them money gifts, send them the gift of Publix, or A&P, or Shop Rite. And say it with flour. ~ Gina

People can lack good judgment at any age. Combine that with the intensity of a parent/child relationship and it’s hard to know what to do. I think it’s important to be clear with them about your concern. And perhaps say it not only face to face but in writing too. As usual, I have to suggest that you truly consider the purpose behind what you want to say. You can’t change them. Part of the difficulty of parenting is knowing how and when to let go of your children – hoping and trusting that you’ve given them the foundation for an independent life. Part of the difficulty of having healthy and aging parents is that same challenge: how to be responsible and allow them the dignity and freedom they deserve to be independent. Now if they ask for money, write in again and we’ll revisit the answer! ~ Alisa