A Host of Issues

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I love to entertain. But, whenever I have people over, or even when I go to a friend’s or family party, I notice that some people always help, and some people don’t. (And it’s usually the same people.) I always pitch in, because I don’t want the host getting stuck with all the work. And when I have a dinner, I find that the same people are always helping me. It would be so much easier if everyone did a little – so a few people wouldn’t get stuck doing a lot. But how can I communicate that without irritating people? So here’s my question: should I ask for help when I’m hosting? How about when I’m at someone else’s home – should I say something then, too?

Slightly Steamed

We often get caught up in our stories about why other people behave in a certain way. But mostly we don’t really know what’s going on with someone else. Just like they don’t know what’s going on with us. Much as we might dream of someone who can read our minds; that’s a fantasy not something we should spend too much energy on. As adults we need to be clear first within ourselves about what we need and then simply express the request. You will be surprised at the response you get. ~ Alisa

 Do what I do: buy disposable plates. I also advocate bribing your children – a small fee is appropriate, cajoling your spouse, and not overdoing. And yes, ask for help when you need it – and try to enlist help at other’s parties by rallying the troops. (“I think Carolyn is up to her eyeballs in dishes. Shall we go in the kitchen and give her a hand?”) ~ Gina