Holiday Gift Causes a Rift

My husband and I agreed that we would not spend more than $200 per family member for Christmas. Our family members have agreed to do the same for us and for each other.  But my husband’s sister is always crying poverty and makes him feel guilty that he has money. So, my husband told me that he is giving her $1,000 for Christmas because she "needs the money". I don't want to say anything because it is his money and it won't hurt us financially, but I think I should say something. – Married with Sister-in-Law

When I was 10 and my brother was 12 he bought me a heart-shaped necklace (engraved with our initials) with the money he earned delivering dry cleaning in our neighborhood. When I reminded him recently of how sweet that was, he said, “Well that was before I knew it wasn’t cool to date your sister.”

OK, enough of that. There’s something about helping his sister that makes your husband feel good about himself – even to the point that he’s willing to break the agreement you had about the holidays. If it’s not hurting you financially, I think you should kiss your husband and tell him he’s a good egg. By coming over to “his side” you might be able to get a good dialogue going about his guilt and help him to open up about it, and let him know how you feel in turn. I mean, I think he may be enabling her – but I think you both need to get to a good place emotionally in order to discuss that.~ Gina

First, I have a few questions. How did you and your husband come to the decision to limit the size of the gifts? How did your husband let you know he’d decided to make such a generous gift to his sister? Did he refer to your mutual decision and say in this case he felt it was important to do something different? Or did he announce his decision without including you in it? If it was the latter then I suggest your conversation be focused on how you communicate and make decisions jointly as a couple. Be sure to start off by saying that it’s not about the money, it’s about your need and desire to be included in the process. ~ Alisa