Book Smarts

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a group of friends that gets together for a regular book group meeting once a month. One of our group seems to always takes the group off track. We wander far away from the topic – into what are often highly charged political or ethical topics. Inevitably one or two people become virtually silent, one or two get caught up and the others try to bring the subject back to the book or something a bit less volatile. But no one speaks up about what’s going on – about where the discussion has headed or how we can try to be better. I include myself in that because I often feel disappointed about being drawn into these tirades and sorry we couldn’t talk about the book. How do I speak up? How can I prevent myself from being triggered? Do you think I should speak up to the group or to each individual?

Bugged in Bookville

I can see that this is a very difficult situation – as you have a multiplicity of relationships to contend with. It’s not just about you and the person who takes you off track, it’s also about the entire group relationship. For that reason I encourage you to find a way to talk, as a group about how to stay on topic. Any side planning you might have could lead you into a very difficult place of misunderstandings. You don’t have to solve the issue in one conversation, but bringing up staying on topic as a group discussion can give everyone a common language to reference the issue going forward. You may find that having a relationship with the group is more important that having a book discussion. ~ Alisa

I agree that you need to speak up to the group about your feelings. Explain what you’ve been observing, and how you would like the group to operate. Maybe you set a time limit for book discussion, and allow additional time for other topics. Give it a month or two. If it doesn’t get better – find another group. ~ Gina