Family Feud

Dear Alisa and Gina:

My in-laws are celebrating their 50th anniversary next month in Florida.  My husband's brother and family are coming from their home in Italy.  However, my brother-in-law is under the impression that his sister--who he despises--will probably not be attending because she will be very pregnant and unable to take the five-hour drive to the party from where she lives. I believe part of the reason he is making the trip is because he thinks she will not be attending the celebration.

However, my sister-in-law recently moved back to the city where the party will be held (also where my in-laws live) and will be coming to the party. My mother-in-law specifically asked me NOT to tell my brother-in-law that his sister is coming to the party because she is afraid he will change his plans and not come with his family (the grandkids).

My brother-in-law and I email each other fairly regularly and I do not know whether I should be completely honest and tell him his sister is coming to the party. Should I say something to him, or go along with my mother-in-law's wishes to stay quiet?

Sister-in-Law With a Conscience

You should listen to your conscience and speak up. Your mother-in-law is asking you to compromise your integrity. I suggest you let her know that you are very uncomfortable being asked to hide the truth from your brother-in-law. You might explain how frequently you are in touch and that it’s not reasonable for you to overlook mentioning his sister’s move. Your directness with your mother-in-law may inspire her to call her son and let him know how important his visit is to them.  What you don’t mention is your relationship with the sister in question. Have you taken any sides on this? If so, this may complicate your action, but it shouldn’t stop you from trying to be clear about what’s important to you with the people who are important to you. You really shouldn’t have to be in the middle of this.~Alisa

Wow, this situation is as sticky as a tar roof in the hot sun. Unfortunately, you have ended up in the middle between your mother-in-law and your brother-in-law. Since someone’s probably going to be ticked off no matter what, I think your brother-in-law should be told - but I think your husband or his mother should do it, if possible. (If not, then it’s up to you.) I know your mother-in-law said not to tell him, but she’s being deceptive–and the results could be disastrous. By letting your brother-in-law know, it gives him the opportunity to make the decision to come to the party, or to see his parents at another time. But at least this way he won’t be sucker-punched.~ Gina