Stepmom in the Middle

Dear Alisa and Gina,

My new stepson speaks to me about his father in a demeaning way when his dad is not around. His comments make me feel uncomfortable. It is no secret that this 33-year-old feels that, during his youth, his father was away too frequently on business. However, the son had every advantage growing up and continues to accept the benefits of his father's efforts. In short, if the son lives a financially conservative lifestyle, he and his family will never want now or after the father's death.

Although I am glad the son is able to say what he feels, I don't believe he wants my opinion. Personally, I do not agree with him. While I believe he is entitled to his feelings, I wish he would address the issue directly with his father and reconsider accepting his father’s financial assistance and gifts.

Do I say something to the son? Should I ask him to stop talking about his father, or suggest he speak to his father directly?

Stumped Stepmom

You should do both. As I heard somewhere, “No matter how bad your childhood was, it’s over.” Your stepson needs to grow up, get over it, and if he has a problem, he has to fight his own battles and lick his own wounds. You’re a caring, loving stepmother who wants to make things right between father and son, but you’re getting caught in the middle. Extricate yourself. ~ Gina

I think you are correct to go with your gut; that his comments make you uncomfortable and you don’t want to hear them or be perceived as agreeing. I think the best way for you to address the situation is to respond in the moment without anger or a lecture. Perhaps the next time you hear something you might say, “ I feel really uncomfortable when you refer to your father this way. So I’m going to remove myself from the room/conversation when you do this.”  The point is to stick to how you feel. You aren’t telling him what to do or not do, nor are you telling your husband how to handle the situation. You ARE saying how you feel about the situation. It’s possible that your clear message may cause a reaction from your stepson – and it may be a good opportunity to have a conversation about his feelings, if he is open to seeing things differently. I wouldn’t engage with him if it’s merely going to become a chance for him to continue his story about his childhood. ~ Alisa