Roomless in New York

Dear Alisa and Gina,

 I’ve had a friend for 65 years – since I was seven. We both lived in New York City. We grew up together – same neighborhood, same school, and the same friends. And through these many years we were able to help each other through many crises. I always remarked at how amazing it was that the two of us never had a falling out or argument – and my friend would say “don’t put a curse on our relationship.”

 I recently lost my husband of 52 years, right after I moved away from the city I know and love. Though I live in Florida now, I do need to come back to New York occasionally– and when I return for a visit I need a place to stay. I don’t have the money for a hotel.

 My friend lives alone in a huge three-bedroom apartment. (She is quite wealthy.) On my first visit back after the death of my husband I did stay with her – and I found her angry with me. She gave me nowhere to put my clothes– and made me feel totally unwanted. She turned lights off when I was in a room – to save electricity, she said. I bought food for us, cleaned up after myself and did everything I could to be a good guest. I returned to Florida terribly dismayed by her lack of hospitality.

I had to come back to New York again for doctor visits, and when I mentioned this to my friend she didn’t invite me to stay with her.

 To say the least I am extremely hurt. Why would someone refuse me a place to stay, when we had such love between us – especially when I was in time of need? I have always treated her with kindness – and have had her as a guest in my home.

Do I try to find my way back to this long relationship and excuse this lack of compassion and generosity as a one-time thing? Or do I cut my losses and move on?

 Heartbroken in Florida

You’ve had all this pain and upheaval in your life recently – and your “friend” treats you like that? Holy cow! I want to punch her in the nose.

 I don’t know what her problem is, but I would steer clear right now. If you go back to your friend for answers and she behaves badly again, it will only increase your pain.

It’s time to heal. Focus on spending time with people who support you and treat you with kindness. Later on – when you feel stronger, and only if you really want to, contact your friend and tell her you want to continue the friendship – and see if she’s willing to talk. ~ Gina

It’s interesting that your friend worried about a curse on your relationship and has been the one to change the tone of things. Have you ever had a conversation with her about your needs and feelings?

I think you need to think about your needs and hers. Is there anything she might be needing or hoping for that you have overlooked?

After you take some time to reflect, I believe you owe it to yourself to speak up. You can mention how you felt and what you would hope for in a future relationship. Sometimes not speaking up can cause you greater pain by maintaining your sense of isolation. If you reach out you may decide that you’ve come to an impasse, or you may discover that your relationship can deepen further. ~ Alisa