Family Matters

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Since my mother passed away, my brother, sister and I have been focused on distributing her possessions which are in storage. It was all very orderly and polite in the beginning, but lately lots of old baggage has come up, and now no one is speaking directly to anyone else. I'd like to get a conversation started with my siblings, but I want to make sure things don't get ugly again. Any suggestions? ~ Anonymous

Good for you - it takes guts to make the first move. How about hosting a sibling meeting? Bring three copies of a list of your mom's possessions. Have each of you check off the items that you want. Then compare lists. If more than one person wants an item, each should state their case and see if the other person(s) are willing to cave. If there's a stalemate, then, no arguing, the item should be donated to charity. (Be warned: you might need an objective party to ref.) ~ Gina

I second the congratulations on being interested in taking the first step. Whenever a conversation veers into the realm of high emotion it's good to start off with some ground rules that you and the other participants can agree to in advance. Though it may be hard, try to consider how you might be contributing to tension. Your willingness to be vulnerable and open with your siblings may put them into a different place. For your own sake, you might also plan on some ways to create space for yourself. One suggestion would be to note when you're getting emotionally caught up (this may be signaled by shallow breathing or a racing mind or an area of physical tension). When this happens, say you need to time to think and take yourself out of conversation. It's ok to say, "I'm getting emotionally caught up here, so I think we would do better to regroup in ten minutes (or an hour or a week). ~ Alisa