Messy Situation

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a friend who is always asking me to refer people to her. Then when I do, she complains about them.

Recently she started using the housekeeper I recommended to her. Now whenever I see my friend she tells me what a bad job the woman is doing, that she charges too much, doesn’t clean thoroughly, etc. I swear she mentions it virtually every time we’re together.

By the way, the same person works in my home and does a great job. (Personally, I think she can’t do a good job in my friend’s home because her children are slobs, nothing is ever put away. In other words it’s almost impossible to get her house clean.)

I feel bad for the woman I referred. I know she needs the work and probably feels obliged to me since I got her the job. My question is, should I say something to my friend about her complaints, and something to the cleaning woman? I was trying to help and now I feel like I just created a bad situation. - In a Bind

Since your friend brings the topic up often you won’t have to wait long to speak up. You might start off with some questions: What does your friend want done? Does she ever give the housekeeper a list? Does she discuss what’s most important? Has she ever specifically asked her to do something that wasn’t done? What does she imagine a housekeeper can do? By asking these questions in a pleasant and sincerely curious manner you might get your friend to think about her needs in a different way. And because you’re asking questions, you’re not telling her what to do or say. If the complaint sessions continue, you might need to move from getting her to see her own issues and move on to your own: “You’ve told me this before. I don’t have the same experience.” ~ Alisa

The next time your friend asks you for a referral, tell her that you’ll give her one, but first she has to sign a waiver absolving you of all responsibility. She cannot complain about price, quality, or work ethics. If she does, cut her off. ~ Gina