Friendshifts

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I am recently out of an almost 3 year, intense relationship in which my boyfriend became most of my life. Not only did we share all of our time and money, but we ended up bridging our circle of friends to create a group of mutual friends. Since I’ve ended the relationship, I’ve found myself caught in the middle of more difficulties. Now, my ex is constantly hanging out with our mutual friends and badmouthing me to them and vice versa. Almost all of my friends have expressed the desire to remain unbiased and uninvolved, It bothers me that they cannot see that I am being treated extremely unfairly and slandered to my mutual friends. If they really wanted to stay out of it, why wouldn't they tell my ex to not mention it at all? As hard as the break up was, it's even harder to have to share our mutual friends. I don't want to walk away from my close friendships that have lasted much longer than this relationship and I don't want to make them choose sides, but when it is apparent that my ex is treating my unfairly and lashing out at me (verbally) in front of my friends, I feel they should have the guts and the loyalty to stand up for what is clearly right. Should I be upset that they are not standing up for me when it's clear that he is mistreating me and slandering me? Should I confront my friends? Should I walk away from these friends? Or should I just try to keep our lives separate and see my friends when I know my ex won't be around? Should I just look past their seemingly lack of loyalty? ~ Help!

  

You are in a very difficult situation – and it sounds like you don’t have anywhere to turn for relief.  The only certain and strong place has got to be within you. And that’s hard when your circle of connections is so compromised. From what you say many of your friends are not 100% there to support you as you need to be supported now. And yes, I think you should speak up and simply tell your friends what you need. Be specific and be clear and talk about today, not last week or last year. Best to you. ~ Alisa

Your friends will not put up with ex-boyfriend's bad behavior for long. His sour grapes are showing, which is going to leave a bad taste in their mouths - and make them wonder what he says about them behind their backs. Just hang in there, see your friends when your ex won't be around, and let them sort out their loyalty. Don't be too hard on them - they're probably confused at the moment and trying to figure out what to do themselves. Take it day by day and all will be well. ~ Gina