Friend Dilemna

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have a dear friend who has been a part of my life for close to 40 years, Over the years, we have each had major success in our careers but always made time to go out for dinner at least twice a month.

She has always earned a lot of money doing a job that she seems to love and would never miss a day of work. In the past 12 years, I made a drastic career change. I now do something that I love but I am not making the money that I did the prior 25 years. This has not prevented me from socializing with my friend and her husband. I would make the time and spend money on the fancy restaurants that they prefer.

Over the past ten years she has become obsessed with golf and her golf buddies. Gradually, she has left little time for our friendship. She recently moved to the Dominican Republic for her job. She was too busy to meet us for dinner to say goodbye - I have not seen her in a year. She invites all her golf friends to vacation at their new island home. They are all wealthy and retired so they are free to travel. She has also invited me but does not seem to understand my financial situation. She keeps insisting that the airfare is low and we would not have to stay in a hotel. She does not seem to understand that I would either have to close my place of business or pay two people to run it while I am away. I feel hurt that she has dismissed a long friendship and I am having a hard time expressing this to her. I have tried but she doesn't seem to "HEAR" what I say. She is clueless! ~ Hurt and Abandoned

Over time friendships evolve. What really keeps them alive is being open and clear with the other person about what's changed for you. Otherwise habits that no longer fit your current life begin to constrict and can eventually strangle the connection. Your friend may be clueless but you may also have been giving some mixed messages. You can't change her, but you can work on your own communication. If you really want to maintain the friendship you can start a conversation that explains your current financial and business imperatives and invite her to share time with you at your home. If you still don't get the acknowledgement or attention you want, you may need to be prepared to accept that she isn't going to change. ~ Alisa

I know you say she's abandoned you, but maybe she feels that you've abandoned her. After all, she's invited you to stay at her home. Think about what you would like her to do that would make you feel welcome and understood (Is it that you want her to come and visit you?) and then tell her. ~ Gina