BFF?

Dear Alisa and Gina:

 My best friend of seventeen years and her family are moving three hours away. She got a wonderful, high-paying position and is on top of the world. They sold their house almost instantly and will move at the end of the school year.

This is absolutely wrenching for both our families. My friend, who was with me when my daughter was born, is like a godmother to both my children. We celebrate many holidays together.

I have noticed that my reaction has been to withdraw. My feelings are so complicated: I feel bereaved one moment, furious the next, envious and so sad I’d rather be by myself. It is particularly difficult listening about how wonderful their new house is, how great her son’s new school is going to be, and in general, what an improvement this will be in their lifestyle. I honestly don’t think she is rubbing this in my face; I think she is genuinely excited and has a right to be. So how do I still stay connected to her and yet have my feelings? ~Soon-to-Be Long Distance Friend

Your story is so HUMAN! Life is full of changes and surprises. Change by its very nature is disruptive as if it violates some essential wiring in our brains. We cling to stability, especially when we are happy and content. But so much of our pain is directly related to how hard we cling. In fact, the only "solid" truth is that nothing lasts. And that can be really hard to accept with any grace. So I think the best thing to do is let your friend know you are so happy for her AND you are grieving over the loss of an era of your lives together. If you can be open about the complexity of your response to her news you may avoid sending her mixed messages.  At some point, she too, may feel some sadness about what's ending – and by letting her know that you have mixed feelings, you may give her the space to see and feel her own. ~ Alisa

You're feeling abandoned, physically because of the distance of the move, and emotionally, because of your friend's excitement. I think you need something of your own to look forward to. Plan a great vacation - even if it's just a weekend away. Start a home improvement project. (A fun one.) Get involved in a new organization. You can't prevent your friend from leaving - but when you have your own adventure ahead of you (skydiving anyone?), you won't focus as much on hers. ~ Gina